My back hurts

Breakfast was the usual massacre, followed by getting in the bus and heading for the mountains (Ninh Binh). First stop was the bamboo outlet, where a demonstration of what bamboo can do, was closely followed by a trip to the shop. We were swayed by the promise of assisting our ailing bones with magical heating ware. FYI, the back heating works but the jury is still out on the neck warmer. 

We then headed to a couple of small temples, followed by an extreme oversized lunch again, where we were introduced to goat for the first time. It officially tasted like meat. 

After the meal, with everyone except me visiting the toilets, there was panic amongst the restaurant staff who thought that we had skipped without paying for drinks. 

To the bus, then to the 3 hour boat tour. I hoped that the tiny boat would not be lost if the weather started getting rough, but if it did, I was going to grab Thurston Howell's dong first. Wow, did it really take me this far into the holiday to get my first dong reference? And then having to explain the rest to anybody under 50 could be interesting. 

We went through some caves and just paddled along with our official paddler and about 1 million other people. 

It's a good thing I purchased the back warmer. The scenery is very nice, but very repetitious. 

Our paddler passed us a note in Vietnamese near the end and after much confusion we ticked the boxes, wrote the boat number, gave him a tip and everyone was happy....except for some of our tour mates, who refused to fill out the form and thought their guy was being rude and didn't want to pay. Sigh. The paddling wasn't hard but my back is very angry with me.We made it to our nice modern hotel, I had my first egg coffee and in future won't eat the frothy stuff first, leaving the coffee.

I then convinced the sensible part of my brain that doing laps in the extremely cold swimming pool was a good idea. 300ish meters under my ever growing belt was followed by 2km on the treadmill. At least I got rid of some calories before going totally Australian and having a ham and pineapple pizza for dinner.

Back to the room and couldn't find any sport on TV despite there being over 170 channels.

We also did not have any hot water, but the staff promised to fire up the boiler. an hour later we had upgraded to lukewarm, and with multiple jug boils, the night time bath was saved. Note, read tomorrow's episode, Your Child Looks Like Shit, for jug update.

Oh, who is the G.O.A.T. of the American Wild West Outlaws?    Billy the Kid. Thank you and goodnight. 

Row your boat

Once again, the day began with way too much food,  but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. I guess when the toast disintegrates when you butter it, it's a little hard. Never mind, I ate it regardless. Salad, yoghurt, sausages, food, food and more food. 

Then we hopped on our little boat to go to an island, where we donned lifejackets, and got in our 2 person kayak to go through a very low cave (the tide was high).

On the other side, there was a large lake, surrounded by high cliffs and also monkeys doing what monkeys do. Did Davey Jones guest appear on the Brady Bunch when Marcia was the President of his Fan Club? Sorry, I just drifted a bit.

Out of the tiny boat, into the small boat and back to the big boat where brunch was served. I remember lots of food and finished it by having the dragon fruit.

We then hit the water back to our bus about 90 minutes away. 

On the bus trip we, and by we I mean I, started viewing my way through series 1 of Ballers. 

We did stop to see how pearls are cultivated and at a large shop where the artwork is made by victims of Agent Orange all those years ago.

Because money spent on holidays doesn't count (I hope my editor doesn't read this), I decided that the purchase of Weasel Coffee was necessary to fully understand the ways of the Vietnamese people. I hope to share this cultural phenomenon with you all when I get back. I have no idea if that means anybody as I have no idea who reads this blog.

Anyway, to put it simply, Weasel eats coffee beans, digests said beans, poops the beans, and then I buy them to share. I'm sure there is a cleaning process on the way, I hope.

From bus to hotel to fighting off traffic as we headed for the night markets. I believe that Banh Mi may be my new favourite food. Bread roll with meat and some salad. It's delicious. Annette started with a sticky rice banana, and 12 hours later when writing this, I realise the the leftover sauce is all over the inside of my bag.

Anyway, the markets were markets, we survived our final 2 road crossings of the night in search of custard filled treats, headed back to the hotel and may have dropped chocolate onto the bed.

So much food

After another epic breakfast performance we made our way through the torrential rain to the bus, a journey of approximately 10m. The 4 hour trip to Ha Long Bay was mostly uneventful, although seeing a water buffalo in a tiny trailer being towed by a motor bike isn't something you see every day.

We stopped on the way to visit what our guide refers to as the happy house and look at some art and buy some chocolate. 

Upon arrival at Ha Long bay, we hopped on a little boat, donned our life jackets and went a short distance to a bigger boat. 

We went to our cabins and then to lunch. Whew. I haven't over eaten for over 4 hours. Soup, salad vegetables, meats, non seafood for the smart people. It just kept coming. Plate after plate until the pineapple turned up which was the end of another annihilation. Once again, loved the salads.

Back to mini boat, and across to an island with a tour of giant caves. 

Annette's friend from the flight, still suffering from having her legs cruelly crushed from the reclining seat, had to be helped out by our guide. 

Back to mini boat, across to another island with 182m worth of steps to reach the top. I made it and left Annette halfway. I do wish that if you saw a woman wearing high heels doing this walk that everyone had permission to smack her in the head, but unfortunately there are apparently laws that protect stupid people.

From the walk to the beach for a 15 minute dip as the night came in. If it's not 25.7 degrees or above, I can't see the point in getting wet. Annette did get her feet wet.

One more little boat trip back to another never-ending meal followed by a good sleep  (at least for me) on our anchored boat. Early on, another vessel did run into us, but we didn't sink so it mustn't have been too bad.

I'm George Costanza and I just bought Frogger

Imagine a game where there are a million motorbikes, where 1 way roads are 2 way roads, where the footpaths are filled with parked motorcycles so you have to walk on the roads, which also have cars on them, and you have to get from point A to point B without being flattened. The game is called Hanoi and I won....just. The secret is to not look and just keep walking at a steady pace.

Anyway, let's go back to properly fueling for the day ahead. Of course you will try the noodle soup, the custom made omelette, sausages, bacon, noodles with vegetables, pineapple with capsicum and onions, a small amount of cake, watermelon and a couple of cups of coffee with condensed milk. Did I mention the juice and battered fish and chips? Yikes. Good thing I'm on 19,792 steps at 5pm.

We did a morning tour to the old quarter. Not sure where the other 75% went to. 

We had a group lunch. Mango salad with beef jerky, some sort of rolls, spring rolls, fish in passionfruit sauce, rice, green stuff with chili chicken that had cinnamon in the sauce and banana in sticky rice. $20 per person. My tummy hurts.

Then we headed off on our own in search of the fabric market. Silk, cotton, linen. So very boring for 50% of us, but I did buy an interesting piece of art, so I am not allowed to complain. There were at least 100 fabric shops, each maybe 3ish metres square, packed with fabric and often with the female seller sitting or sleeping  on the material. Some bartering was done poorly and 2 pieces of material purchased. I have been threatened with another silk market. Sigh.

Hit Macca's for a Coke and water to try and stave off impending dehydration and walked back to our hotel. One of us fell asleep for an hour whilst the other watchd golf.

Because we had only eaten enough to feed a small nation, we decided to head off and get some Indian takeaway. We did change our thinking and decided we would explore the little restaurants across 2 roads. Night and crossing the road are extremely dangerous. Non stop motor bikes hunting you down. Once there, you have to get back. We did at least get some beef rolls that were excellent. I'm falling in love with coriander. 

Annette, because tradition must be kept, then disappeared to play motorbike chicken in order to get a custard filled pastry. Day one at least got me 20,000 steps .

Time is important

Apparently leaving at 11:30 means leaving within 25 minutes of that time. Fast forward to the slowest check-in line ever, and we scraped in to check in just in time. We even had enough time for a tax refund visit. 

Sitting across the aisle from each other, we settled in to 10 hours of movies and tv. One of our screens wasn't working and for once it wasn't mine. 

After the first meal, Annette handed me her unfinished packet of mixed nuts, just as I was about to start mine. A fair swap for the prawn cocktail I gave her earlier. I tipped the entire contents into my hands. The nuts were green. In fact they were peas. Never mind. I emptied the entire contents from hand to mouth only to discover they were Wasabi flavoured. Ouch.

The flight was pretty non eventful, however Annette did tell me after landing of the comments made about her by the lady sitting behind on the subject of reclining a seat. After meals it is fair game, I think. If they didn't want you to recline, there wouldn't be a button.

Anyway, upon finding the first of our tour group, Annette retold the reclining seat incident and said it would be funny if that women was on our tour. Bam. There she was, on our tour. This could get interesting. 

It was 3am home time (11pm here) when we finally got to bed. I can feel the upcoming tension will keep things spicy.

Last Day

Nothing much to do after finally cramming everything into my new and bigger bag. Stop 1 was the vintage store. Two pair of Levi's purchased. One too loose, for now stomach, and one pair for after the diet stomach. Annette purchased one more mug from the Texas Uni Co-op store.

Then we headed off to the movies, via many, many road closures and detours, to see Antman. 

Nice big comfy seats with waiter service for pizza , burger and 3 freshly baked cookies. Some of the cookie will be returning to Australia on the sleeve of my sloppy joe.

Why the sloppy joe? It's been around 1 to 5 degrees for the last few days. The day before it was 24. Very strange. For the first time ever I had our parking validated so finally we got free parking. 

A relatively stress free drive to drop off hire car, apart from missing the 2nd floor up ramp and having to leave the airport before returning to get it right.

I'm about to open the BBQ chips, just so that the loose jeans will fit me better. Austin to Dallas leaves in around 90 minutes, then I eat my peanut butter and jelly sandwich (yum yum in sarcasm font), and 2 hours later we will be in the air watching the end of Better Call Saul. 

I hope you all enjoyed the blog as much as we enjoyed doing the stuff to go in it.

Footnote.  I just found this in my bag. God Bless America. 

Bruce Day

What was the reason we came to Texas? In the planning for 7 months. Travel plans by Annette and budgeting by me. Oh, the answer is that we came to see...

Anyway, not much on the itinerary today. An antique store, where no money was spent (insert happy face here). A walk around Austin, some burgers and very good fries. The eternal search for a public toilet. The search through the vintage stores for the perfect pair of Levi's.

Back home to eat left over Franklin BBQ and it was off to the Moody Center. About a 20 minute walk just following everybody else.

As usual, the concert is a solid 3 hours that cannot be beaten by any artist anywhere. U2 went the closest in Chicago. Suzi Quatro, Alice Cooper, or maybe Jeff St John at Cronulla Workers. As Neil Young said "live music is better, bumper stickers should be issued". Promised Land has been stuck in my head. Annette votes for Wrecking Ball, but they are all spectacular. I better save up as I'm sure he will be back in Australia soon.

Somehow during the day we mysteriously found ourselves at Voodoo Doughnut. I'm not the one with gps on their phone. More calories to lose. I wonder why the jeans I tried on didn't fit. 

I did find some cd's to buy but none by Manic Hispanic. I will keep searching.