This week's horoscopt

Scorpio – You will win a substantial settlement in court from Ashley and Martin after you win first prize in a Peter Garret look a like competition.

Libra – Drastic measures need to be taken when you can’t fit into your pants, your shirts are too tight and you weigh 27 kilos more than before. However changing your name to Augustus Gloop were not the measures we were thinking of.

Cancer – After prostitute after prostitute turn you down, you will finally come to the realization that you just can’t buy a trick.

Capricorn – You will go to the doctor with severe stomach cramps after hearing Crowded House sing “somewhere deep inside, something's got a hold on you”. He tells you that nothing is wrong. The next day you die of appendicitis.

Virgo – You will dream of being a daydreamer. Or in reality are you just having a daydream?

Gemini – After being impaled by a broomstick while wearing a jumper made by your best friend Ron’s mother, you almost realise your dream of having a disease named after you. Cheer up, Harry Potter's disease doesn’t sound that bad.

Leo – Your clumsiness will pay off for you when a major TV network signs you up for the World’s first reality/funniest home video combined programme

Taurus – People will start to look at you in a different way when at the local soccer club trivia night, you know all the answers to the “Home and Away” questions.

Aries – Your new heavy metal band will be fined an undisclosed amount when a jury finds you guilty by deciding that rock and roll is in fact noise pollution.

Pisces – Your attempt at suicide fails once more when you just happen to jump off a building where they are filming 101 greatest stunt men. A pile of cardboard boxes and mattresses will break your fall. Realising your stupidity and your new found will to live, you run up to the nearest bearded man and give him a big kiss. In late breaking news Chuck Norris is aquitted of the manslaughter charges.

Saggitarius – You will fantasise in a dream about Harry Potter's wife. Unfortunately it turns out to be Katrina Lee. (there is one that some of you youngsters will have to research)