Horoscopes you need to Know

Scorpio - Bad news awaits as you will be trampled to death by Pilgrims rushing to see the Pope. On a positive side of things, at least there are plenty of priests around to give you your last rites.

Libra - You will be chosen as Tom Cruise's double in his upcoming action film. You will play his horrifyingly disfigured double after he falls from a helicopter into a vat of hydrochloric acid. Producers advise that you will not need any make up.

Capricorn - You will discover that the word "oops" is not one that you like to hear during open heart surgery.

Libra - Once again you will be mistaken for the Pope. I have told you a thousand times, grow some hair and ditch the Muu Muu.

Virgo - After 20 years of dismissing your neighbours advice that your front door is always wide open, you look down and quickly zip up your fly. That afternoon you return to find that your house has been burgled. Apparently the thieves walked in through the front door.

Gemini - You will be seriously injured when a herd of wild horses runs you over at a zebra crossing.

Leo - At an old antique shop, you rub an old lamp and a senile genie comes out. You are granted 3 wishes. You wish for a healthy long life, happiness and a peaceful death. Seconds after your most untimely death, the genie asks "now what were those first 2 wishes again"?

Taurus - After 20 years of mystery, torment and pain, all is healed when you discover that there were 2 Darrens in Bewitched.

Aries - A little bird tells you of impending trouble. Lucky your name is Doolittle.

Pisces - Wanting to impress your new girlfriend who belongs to the World Wildlife Fund, you put up a huge "free willy" sign on the front of your house. You are shocked the next morning to find 30 old men in raincoats standing on your front lawn.

Saggitarius - Your theory that we are all part of a giant computer programme is confirmed when the world's largest floppy disc gets rammed up your clacker.

Aquarius - After watching re runs of "back to the future", you invent a time machine and go forward in time so that you can gamble on sport results when you get back. Unfortunately, your actions in the future cause a problem with the time space continuum, and when you return, you have already died.