Sandy Lyle used to be able to play golf. He won the British Open in 1985.
Yesterday after the poor dear had to endure rain and wind, he walked off the course at the 11th hole on a score of 10 over par.
You big wimp. You say that you are getting ready for the seniors tour. Well let me say this you big woosie man (not to be confused with Ian Woosnam who had too many clubs in his bag and had no choice but to leave the course in the Open a few years back) you should be banned from golf forever.
Years back I was playing golf in a competition and our group came to the last hole. It was around 200 metres straight up a hill. My 80 year old playing partner asked me if I would be able to pull his buggy up the hill for him. No problem I replied. He hit it straight up the hill while I sliced so far that I could have hit the ball half way around a greyhound track. While I went off in search of the ball, my playing partner ended up taking his own buggy up the hill. He didn't complain, took triple bogey and looked forward to his next round of golf.
Former champion Ian Baker Finch realised that he can no longer play golf at a respectable level and so called it a day. Smart move. He didn't want to embarrass himself anymore. All of us weekend hackers have been 10 over par after 11 holes. We all finish the game. While there is a chance that something good could happen, we keep going.
But you Sandy Lyle decided that it was too hard and wet and cold. You quit and that's what you should do with your golf game if you haven't got the guts to see out a round of golf. I am sure the first reserve for the tournament must have been thrilled, watching on television while you exited the course.
I hope the senior tour tells you where to stick your sand wedge.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
Horoscopes you need to Know
Scorpio - Bad news awaits as you will be trampled to death by Pilgrims rushing to see the Pope. On a positive side of things, at least there are plenty of priests around to give you your last rites.
Libra - You will be chosen as Tom Cruise's double in his upcoming action film. You will play his horrifyingly disfigured double after he falls from a helicopter into a vat of hydrochloric acid. Producers advise that you will not need any make up.
Capricorn - You will discover that the word "oops" is not one that you like to hear during open heart surgery.
Libra - Once again you will be mistaken for the Pope. I have told you a thousand times, grow some hair and ditch the Muu Muu.
Virgo - After 20 years of dismissing your neighbours advice that your front door is always wide open, you look down and quickly zip up your fly. That afternoon you return to find that your house has been burgled. Apparently the thieves walked in through the front door.
Gemini - You will be seriously injured when a herd of wild horses runs you over at a zebra crossing.
Leo - At an old antique shop, you rub an old lamp and a senile genie comes out. You are granted 3 wishes. You wish for a healthy long life, happiness and a peaceful death. Seconds after your most untimely death, the genie asks "now what were those first 2 wishes again"?
Taurus - After 20 years of mystery, torment and pain, all is healed when you discover that there were 2 Darrens in Bewitched.
Aries - A little bird tells you of impending trouble. Lucky your name is Doolittle.
Pisces - Wanting to impress your new girlfriend who belongs to the World Wildlife Fund, you put up a huge "free willy" sign on the front of your house. You are shocked the next morning to find 30 old men in raincoats standing on your front lawn.
Saggitarius - Your theory that we are all part of a giant computer programme is confirmed when the world's largest floppy disc gets rammed up your clacker.
Aquarius - After watching re runs of "back to the future", you invent a time machine and go forward in time so that you can gamble on sport results when you get back. Unfortunately, your actions in the future cause a problem with the time space continuum, and when you return, you have already died.
Libra - You will be chosen as Tom Cruise's double in his upcoming action film. You will play his horrifyingly disfigured double after he falls from a helicopter into a vat of hydrochloric acid. Producers advise that you will not need any make up.
Capricorn - You will discover that the word "oops" is not one that you like to hear during open heart surgery.
Libra - Once again you will be mistaken for the Pope. I have told you a thousand times, grow some hair and ditch the Muu Muu.
Virgo - After 20 years of dismissing your neighbours advice that your front door is always wide open, you look down and quickly zip up your fly. That afternoon you return to find that your house has been burgled. Apparently the thieves walked in through the front door.
Gemini - You will be seriously injured when a herd of wild horses runs you over at a zebra crossing.
Leo - At an old antique shop, you rub an old lamp and a senile genie comes out. You are granted 3 wishes. You wish for a healthy long life, happiness and a peaceful death. Seconds after your most untimely death, the genie asks "now what were those first 2 wishes again"?
Taurus - After 20 years of mystery, torment and pain, all is healed when you discover that there were 2 Darrens in Bewitched.
Aries - A little bird tells you of impending trouble. Lucky your name is Doolittle.
Pisces - Wanting to impress your new girlfriend who belongs to the World Wildlife Fund, you put up a huge "free willy" sign on the front of your house. You are shocked the next morning to find 30 old men in raincoats standing on your front lawn.
Saggitarius - Your theory that we are all part of a giant computer programme is confirmed when the world's largest floppy disc gets rammed up your clacker.
Aquarius - After watching re runs of "back to the future", you invent a time machine and go forward in time so that you can gamble on sport results when you get back. Unfortunately, your actions in the future cause a problem with the time space continuum, and when you return, you have already died.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
If you can't stand the heat, don't go near our kitchen
I am not ashamed to say that I work for ######rp. What I am ashamed of is to tell you my name.
Ever wondered why the trains seem to run late all the time, even though they now stop for extra minutes in the middle of nowhere in order to not run late (figure that one out).
You see the people that run the organisation have made a request of me.
I am not to leave my locker key in my locker as it is dangerous. To who, how or why this is dangerous I still can't figure out.
They have put a sticker on the toaster and kettle in the kitchen telling me that "surfaces may be hot".
When I was a small child, I remember putting my foot into a hot frypan (don't ask). In the following forty years I have never done it again. I have cooked toast in a toaster. I know that it is hot because when it comes out of the toaster it is no longer bread. I can feel the heat.
WhatR###rp should be doing is putting up signs "if you can't stand the heat, don't go anywhere near our kitchen because you might burn your boo boos on something that could be hot".
By the age of six, I am sure that all children have been reminded thousands of times not to put knives in power points, to be careful of the heater, to sip your hot drink before sculling it all. That is what parents are for.
That guy in the USA who sued because he burnt himself with coffee should himself be fined. If you are stupid enough to not know that a microwave over heats things up and stays a bit hot after use, then you probably don't know how to use the controls anyway. If you are stupid enough to somehow hurt yourself on my locker key, you should be immediately sacked.
Come on Australia, let's demand a right to hurt ourselves without being forewarned. Let us learn from our experiences, not from a sticker telling us what our experience might be.
Ever wondered why the trains seem to run late all the time, even though they now stop for extra minutes in the middle of nowhere in order to not run late (figure that one out).
You see the people that run the organisation have made a request of me.
I am not to leave my locker key in my locker as it is dangerous. To who, how or why this is dangerous I still can't figure out.
They have put a sticker on the toaster and kettle in the kitchen telling me that "surfaces may be hot".
When I was a small child, I remember putting my foot into a hot frypan (don't ask). In the following forty years I have never done it again. I have cooked toast in a toaster. I know that it is hot because when it comes out of the toaster it is no longer bread. I can feel the heat.
WhatR###rp should be doing is putting up signs "if you can't stand the heat, don't go anywhere near our kitchen because you might burn your boo boos on something that could be hot".
By the age of six, I am sure that all children have been reminded thousands of times not to put knives in power points, to be careful of the heater, to sip your hot drink before sculling it all. That is what parents are for.
That guy in the USA who sued because he burnt himself with coffee should himself be fined. If you are stupid enough to not know that a microwave over heats things up and stays a bit hot after use, then you probably don't know how to use the controls anyway. If you are stupid enough to somehow hurt yourself on my locker key, you should be immediately sacked.
Come on Australia, let's demand a right to hurt ourselves without being forewarned. Let us learn from our experiences, not from a sticker telling us what our experience might be.
Real Golf
Gee Tiger Woods, you must be doing it tough this week. Sitting at home with your bung knee up, watching while someone else is going to win the British Open.
Gee I have a lot of sympathy for you. We have heard all about the wife and the kid and the money but I don't care. What really gets to me is the way you would wince in pain with that extremely painful knee while winning the US Open. Then you say that you have been in pain for the last ten years.
Do you hear the violins playing? Welcome to my world Tiger. A world where just getting out of bed and walking down the stairs every morning wakes up the house with the noise coming out of my joints. I play golf too, albeit about 20 shots a round worse than you. Ever been up before it's light in the middle of winter, pulling your own buggy around while you zig zag across the fairway. Of course you haven't. That is what Steve is for. Ever tried to hit your first shot of the day without a warmup over the water on my local golf course? Probably not. You get picked up in a Buick hours before you play and are taken to the designated warmup area. There you find a neat pile of Nikes ready to hit into the distance. You don't even have to go and collect them afterwards.
Real golf is about finding a smaller golf ball in your bag of practice balls. Mine is a Slazenger. How many years out of date is it?
Ever had to play a game of golf with 3 other guys and be the designated seeing-eye golfer. You see most of the guys at my golf club are getting on and lose the ball after the first 20 metres. None of us can afford the laser surgery that allows you to see an undulation on a green from 200 metres.
Tiger, you are good, you know you're good and so does everybody, so just get on with winning every time you play but please leave the theatrics out, no matter how much it hurts. Please just spare a thought for all of us limping around the course with bad knees, backs and whatever you can throw at us, carrying our own equipment, forgetting to pack an umbrella and getting excited when we find somebody else's Nike golf ball that they lost in the water of the first hole. To all of those club golfers out there I have one thing to say "for those about to golf - we salute you".
Gee I have a lot of sympathy for you. We have heard all about the wife and the kid and the money but I don't care. What really gets to me is the way you would wince in pain with that extremely painful knee while winning the US Open. Then you say that you have been in pain for the last ten years.
Do you hear the violins playing? Welcome to my world Tiger. A world where just getting out of bed and walking down the stairs every morning wakes up the house with the noise coming out of my joints. I play golf too, albeit about 20 shots a round worse than you. Ever been up before it's light in the middle of winter, pulling your own buggy around while you zig zag across the fairway. Of course you haven't. That is what Steve is for. Ever tried to hit your first shot of the day without a warmup over the water on my local golf course? Probably not. You get picked up in a Buick hours before you play and are taken to the designated warmup area. There you find a neat pile of Nikes ready to hit into the distance. You don't even have to go and collect them afterwards.
Real golf is about finding a smaller golf ball in your bag of practice balls. Mine is a Slazenger. How many years out of date is it?
Ever had to play a game of golf with 3 other guys and be the designated seeing-eye golfer. You see most of the guys at my golf club are getting on and lose the ball after the first 20 metres. None of us can afford the laser surgery that allows you to see an undulation on a green from 200 metres.
Tiger, you are good, you know you're good and so does everybody, so just get on with winning every time you play but please leave the theatrics out, no matter how much it hurts. Please just spare a thought for all of us limping around the course with bad knees, backs and whatever you can throw at us, carrying our own equipment, forgetting to pack an umbrella and getting excited when we find somebody else's Nike golf ball that they lost in the water of the first hole. To all of those club golfers out there I have one thing to say "for those about to golf - we salute you".
How Football Was Meant to be Watched
I first went to the then Olympic Stadium at Homebush to watch a centenary match of Rugby Union between the Wallabies and England. I won the tickets in a competition and ended up sitting in what can only be described as the "reverse nose bleed seats". It could be described as the worst seat in the house. They couldn't give a ticket away to sit there, except to some poor fool who spent 55 cents in a phone competition.
A few years later I took the kids to a semi final to watch the beloved Sharkies go around. The seats were a bit better but they were in the 20/20 section. If you didn't have 20/20 vision you could not see the game.
All around the world , the stadiums are getting bigger, the fans are getting further away from the game and your average obese bum just doesn't fit in those plastic fold up seats.
It got me thinking about the good old days as a youngster where every second Sunday was spent at Seymour Shaw Park Miranda to watch all three grades of the Sutherland soccer team. Bench seats on one side, a small hill at either end and a bench seat grandstand on the other side. The crowds were never really what you could call huge but the place did have atmosphere.
My father took me to watch my then beloved Newtown play against St George at Kogarah Jubilee Oval and also the mighty Blue Bags whallop Parramatta at Henson Park. This is how footy should be watched. Atmosphere and a grassed area. I have sat with grass underneath me at the SCG. It too has now turned into a vast area of plastic bucket seats. Watching a game in such a place just isn't as good as it used to be.
I haven't been to Leichhardt Oval but everytime I see a game there on television the place seems to be alive. The heads of all the sporting codes keep telling teams what the public want. Well I'm the public and you haven't asked me yet.
"ANY GROUND THAT IS CALLED AN OVAL OR A PARK HAS A GOOD CHANCE OF BEING MY TYPE OF LOCATION"
I need some toilet paper available in case I need to go ( but this is only at half time as I am at the game to watch the match). I want a kiosk, not a restaurant or some fancy specialist eatery. The kiosk is to be run by a local group of women and men with all of the profits going to the club. I don't want to spend $20 on some gourmet style sandwich. I just want a pie or a sausage roll or a bucket of chips, maybe a chocolate heart or a golden gaytime (am I still allowed to say that). If I get change for my $10 I will be happy.
Most of all I want the opportunity to sit on grass if I want or to get a splinter in the grandstand while telling the ref he's an idiot without getting thrown out of the ground. You see I am an Australian and it is my God given right to watch a game that is not in some mega stadium. Any ground that is called an Oval or a Park has a good chance of being my type of location. Put on the word "stadium" and my interest wanes.
Have the big wigs out there ever wondered why you can jam pack 17000 into Leichhardt Oval while a similar match at The Olympic Stadium, sorry, Telstra Stadium, woops, ANZ Stadium fails to register on the Richter Scale.
Come on Australia let's get smaller, let's get back to the suburbs and let's enjoy the games like they were meant to be enjoyed.
A few years later I took the kids to a semi final to watch the beloved Sharkies go around. The seats were a bit better but they were in the 20/20 section. If you didn't have 20/20 vision you could not see the game.
All around the world , the stadiums are getting bigger, the fans are getting further away from the game and your average obese bum just doesn't fit in those plastic fold up seats.
It got me thinking about the good old days as a youngster where every second Sunday was spent at Seymour Shaw Park Miranda to watch all three grades of the Sutherland soccer team. Bench seats on one side, a small hill at either end and a bench seat grandstand on the other side. The crowds were never really what you could call huge but the place did have atmosphere.
My father took me to watch my then beloved Newtown play against St George at Kogarah Jubilee Oval and also the mighty Blue Bags whallop Parramatta at Henson Park. This is how footy should be watched. Atmosphere and a grassed area. I have sat with grass underneath me at the SCG. It too has now turned into a vast area of plastic bucket seats. Watching a game in such a place just isn't as good as it used to be.
I haven't been to Leichhardt Oval but everytime I see a game there on television the place seems to be alive. The heads of all the sporting codes keep telling teams what the public want. Well I'm the public and you haven't asked me yet.
"ANY GROUND THAT IS CALLED AN OVAL OR A PARK HAS A GOOD CHANCE OF BEING MY TYPE OF LOCATION"
I need some toilet paper available in case I need to go ( but this is only at half time as I am at the game to watch the match). I want a kiosk, not a restaurant or some fancy specialist eatery. The kiosk is to be run by a local group of women and men with all of the profits going to the club. I don't want to spend $20 on some gourmet style sandwich. I just want a pie or a sausage roll or a bucket of chips, maybe a chocolate heart or a golden gaytime (am I still allowed to say that). If I get change for my $10 I will be happy.
Most of all I want the opportunity to sit on grass if I want or to get a splinter in the grandstand while telling the ref he's an idiot without getting thrown out of the ground. You see I am an Australian and it is my God given right to watch a game that is not in some mega stadium. Any ground that is called an Oval or a Park has a good chance of being my type of location. Put on the word "stadium" and my interest wanes.
Have the big wigs out there ever wondered why you can jam pack 17000 into Leichhardt Oval while a similar match at The Olympic Stadium, sorry, Telstra Stadium, woops, ANZ Stadium fails to register on the Richter Scale.
Come on Australia let's get smaller, let's get back to the suburbs and let's enjoy the games like they were meant to be enjoyed.
Iguanagate
As a person with average intelligence, depending on who you ask, it is time for me to proclaim to the world that "enough is enough".
It all started in the early 70s in Washington DC at a place called the Watergate Hotel. (by the way, for all you trivia contestants the DC stands for District of Columbia) Ten percent of all trivia nights ask this question. Anyway back to the Watergate Hotel. It's a really nice place but a little bit snooty. Snooty to me is having to pay for somebody to carry your bags. I managed to scam a free night there a couple of years back, but being Australian, resented having to give up my hard earned for somebody to carry my undies and show me how to open a door.
But I digress. I have no journalistic background but realise that a journalist must have resticted time between getting the story and getting the story in print or on air. Finding all the facts, every last details, all of the nitty gritty behind a story must really be a tough gig.
What really annoys me is the total lack of imagination that the media have in coming up with a name for a scandal. Are we the public so stupid that we can't focus our attention unless the scandal has a name?
Watergate. That was a big scandal. Big repercussions. Careers ruined. It was named after the place where the scandal occurred, the Watergate Hotel. A real no brainer, but it worked.
So why has every scandal ever since have to had the suffix "gate" added to the end of it? Really, what does Nannygate, Sirengate, Spygate, Nipplegate, Grannygate or the latest Iguanagate have in common with a gate? Nothing. Whether it's the journalist or some other idiot coming up with the headlines, you all need to take a good look at yourselves. Whacking a "gate" on the end of another word or place just doesn't cut it with me anymore. Use you but please, no more gates.
What would happen if there were a scandal pertaining to Bill Gates? Would you call it Bill Gatesgate? I hope not but fear that this would be the case.
It's time for us all to take a stand. A bit of creativity is all that I am asking for.
We all remember seeing Justin Timberlake ripping off Janet Jackson's outfit and revealing a breast. Nipplegate. That's all that they could come up with. Give me a break. What about "rip a nip"? That's the headline I would have liked to read.
At the moment it's Iguanagate - What the hell does that mean?
If you can't think of a good headline, employ somebody to do it. If you already do employ somebody to come up with these things, they are not doing their job very well.
But please, I don't want to hear another gate until I am entering the pearly ones. Until then please let the gates rest in peace.
It all started in the early 70s in Washington DC at a place called the Watergate Hotel. (by the way, for all you trivia contestants the DC stands for District of Columbia) Ten percent of all trivia nights ask this question. Anyway back to the Watergate Hotel. It's a really nice place but a little bit snooty. Snooty to me is having to pay for somebody to carry your bags. I managed to scam a free night there a couple of years back, but being Australian, resented having to give up my hard earned for somebody to carry my undies and show me how to open a door.
But I digress. I have no journalistic background but realise that a journalist must have resticted time between getting the story and getting the story in print or on air. Finding all the facts, every last details, all of the nitty gritty behind a story must really be a tough gig.
What really annoys me is the total lack of imagination that the media have in coming up with a name for a scandal. Are we the public so stupid that we can't focus our attention unless the scandal has a name?
Watergate. That was a big scandal. Big repercussions. Careers ruined. It was named after the place where the scandal occurred, the Watergate Hotel. A real no brainer, but it worked.
So why has every scandal ever since have to had the suffix "gate" added to the end of it? Really, what does Nannygate, Sirengate, Spygate, Nipplegate, Grannygate or the latest Iguanagate have in common with a gate? Nothing. Whether it's the journalist or some other idiot coming up with the headlines, you all need to take a good look at yourselves. Whacking a "gate" on the end of another word or place just doesn't cut it with me anymore. Use you but please, no more gates.
What would happen if there were a scandal pertaining to Bill Gates? Would you call it Bill Gatesgate? I hope not but fear that this would be the case.
It's time for us all to take a stand. A bit of creativity is all that I am asking for.
We all remember seeing Justin Timberlake ripping off Janet Jackson's outfit and revealing a breast. Nipplegate. That's all that they could come up with. Give me a break. What about "rip a nip"? That's the headline I would have liked to read.
At the moment it's Iguanagate - What the hell does that mean?
If you can't think of a good headline, employ somebody to do it. If you already do employ somebody to come up with these things, they are not doing their job very well.
But please, I don't want to hear another gate until I am entering the pearly ones. Until then please let the gates rest in peace.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Lots of days in a row
We dropped Annette off at some antique store (not the most economically sensible thing we've done) and went for a long drive to nowhere and back. When we got there we ate at Burger King and that was it. We drove back, picked up Annette and then went to mini golf. Mark once again won with Riley collapsing on the last 9 to come last. Little brother could now taunt.
Next day - Hooray only 371 miles to Disneyland. Jeremy decided that today was the day that he would need to use a restroom 3 minutes after we had passed one.In case anybody reading this actually thinks we needed a rest you are incorrect. I believe that in the land down under we call them toilets. At one of the stops there were vending machines everywhere.The one we went to was showing $2 credit. Annette pushed a button and biscuits dropped down and a $1 note came out. Wow ,thats better than we did in Vegas. We finally stumbled on our motel, unpacked and headed out to find Anaheim Stadium for the nights baseball match. We got our usual junk food, took our seats in our brand new Angels hats and proceeded to watch the home team get smashed. We also witnessed why Americans are so fat. Non stop eating for the entire game. We somehow navigated our way home and got given the news that tomorrow we could sleep in. Thats all for now as this keyboard at LaX sucks and we are running out of time. Bye
Next day - Hooray only 371 miles to Disneyland. Jeremy decided that today was the day that he would need to use a restroom 3 minutes after we had passed one.In case anybody reading this actually thinks we needed a rest you are incorrect. I believe that in the land down under we call them toilets. At one of the stops there were vending machines everywhere.The one we went to was showing $2 credit. Annette pushed a button and biscuits dropped down and a $1 note came out. Wow ,thats better than we did in Vegas. We finally stumbled on our motel, unpacked and headed out to find Anaheim Stadium for the nights baseball match. We got our usual junk food, took our seats in our brand new Angels hats and proceeded to watch the home team get smashed. We also witnessed why Americans are so fat. Non stop eating for the entire game. We somehow navigated our way home and got given the news that tomorrow we could sleep in. Thats all for now as this keyboard at LaX sucks and we are running out of time. Bye
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