For some of us males in the World, today is a momentous occasion. In fact it may just be the start of mens liberation. We, however are not burning our bras. Well I can only speak personally. Why burn my bra when it may come in handy for other uses.
What I am talking about out here in the greater west on our "lets look casual Friday" is the fact that unless for some unforeseen circumstance, I will never have to wear a ###### tie again. Thats it. No more pretending that my top button is done up. I didn't do a good job of pretending did I?
It does leave me with a number of dilemas.
Why, on "lets look casual Friday" when 75% of staff are looking immaculate in @@@@@ polo blue, is one staff member wearing a white shirt and a tie?
The other main dilema, apart from how do I spell dilema (one or two m's) is what to do with the old ties. I am looking for suggestions.
With the weather warming up and the tomato plants thriving, I will need something to tie up the plants to the stakes. A ****** tie is the perfect thing. Its also ugly enough to scare off any animal that may want to duck into my vegetable garden. Maybe I could use it as a headband for my Cronulla Sharks garden gnome
Perhaps in the hotter months we could get our ties together and make the thing that Borat was wearing in his movie. Surely a good look to bring customers back.
My biggest dilema however is where am I going to hide my name badge now? Its been attached to the bottom of my tie for years, ever since the Evil Emperor made me wear it. I took it off yesterday and it had started to rust.
Apparently %$#$%$$# were surprised by the large amount of orders for the blue shirts and ran out. Did they think that we were all going to get the white shirts with ties?
Anyway all you males out there, enjoy your liberation. Enjoy the fact that your natural voice will now be heard by the masses without the strangulating effect of buttons and ties. Enjoy the fact that you can now get the perfect "V" suntan on your neck when you are gardening, on your weekends off, in your %%%%%blue shirt (oops, sorry, thats a Parramatta thing).
Enjoy the fact that you can now eat a salad sandwich at luchtime and not have to duck into the toilets to wash the nasty beetroot stain from your shirtfront. Of course as a tradeoff, we can no longer spill liquid paper on our shirts.
Lastly, enjoy the fact, that from this day on, everyday at work will now become "lets look casual...insert day of the week here".
Of course I may not have taken into account that some of you may have may have ordered a white shirt requiring a tie. To you I sincerely say, "sucked in" and must inform you that you are not invited to any "lets look casual days" where you are wearing your tie.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
20 to 1
For starters, what has happened to Bert Newton's head. Seriously, if he is doesn't look like an older version of Jake from two and a half men, then my contact lenses need replacing.
Anyway, Tuesday night must be a slow night on the old television because I found myself watching that stupid 20 to 1 show about chart flops. What the show was about and what it was called seemed to be totally different things. "Chart Flops" it said. They would show some former soap opera star or movie star or model or whoever was not known for their singing ability and make fun of the job they had done as a singer. Now one of the artists, and I apologise for forgetting who, actually sold over 6 million records in the UK alone. It might have been Jason Donovan, but I have trained my mind to delete any such reference in case I have a flashback moment to his wedding with Charlene on Neighbours. To my way of thinking, a chart flop would mean the song sucked and it didn't sell too well. Let's face it, some of the songs sucked, but I wish I could be a failure and sell 6 million copies.
What about the Chantoozies. The caption comes up on the screen that they had other hit songs. So how does that make it a chart flop?
The whole problem with this crap show is the title. By making it 20 to 1, they have to find 20 items for their show. They just can't do it. They find 6 or 7 and then fill the other ones with stuff that doesn't fit the criteria.
Channel nine, you are making me very angry. Not only don't your shows ever run on time, but I bet later in the summer I am going to have to suffer listening to Bill Lawry and Tony Greig.
Here is an idea. The 20 to 1 things I most hate about channel nine. Stay tuned.
Anyway, Tuesday night must be a slow night on the old television because I found myself watching that stupid 20 to 1 show about chart flops. What the show was about and what it was called seemed to be totally different things. "Chart Flops" it said. They would show some former soap opera star or movie star or model or whoever was not known for their singing ability and make fun of the job they had done as a singer. Now one of the artists, and I apologise for forgetting who, actually sold over 6 million records in the UK alone. It might have been Jason Donovan, but I have trained my mind to delete any such reference in case I have a flashback moment to his wedding with Charlene on Neighbours. To my way of thinking, a chart flop would mean the song sucked and it didn't sell too well. Let's face it, some of the songs sucked, but I wish I could be a failure and sell 6 million copies.
What about the Chantoozies. The caption comes up on the screen that they had other hit songs. So how does that make it a chart flop?
The whole problem with this crap show is the title. By making it 20 to 1, they have to find 20 items for their show. They just can't do it. They find 6 or 7 and then fill the other ones with stuff that doesn't fit the criteria.
Channel nine, you are making me very angry. Not only don't your shows ever run on time, but I bet later in the summer I am going to have to suffer listening to Bill Lawry and Tony Greig.
Here is an idea. The 20 to 1 things I most hate about channel nine. Stay tuned.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
This week's horoscopes
Scorpio –You and your friends will be thrown out of a restaurant when the waiter asks if you would like something from their dutch oven. The table cloth will never be the same.
Libra – You decide to model your life on an elite athlete. You pick the Russian high jumping dude who got drunk, but decide not to worry about the jumping bit.
Cancer – Bad news for you when, on the same day you see a huge man dressed in black leather, wearing sunglasses and carrying a shotgun, you change your name to Sarah Connor
Capricorn – Unwanted advances for you when you walk in to a Kings Cross milk bar and ask for a Gaytime.
Virgo – Unwanted advances will occur when you walk in to a Kings Cross milk bar and ask for an Icy Pole.
Gemini – Unwanted advances for you when upon entering a Kings Cross milk bar you ask for a Paddle Pop.
Leo – Your university professor advises you that your grades would be higher if you were “more well read”. That afternoon you have your entire body tattooed with the phone book.
Taurus – You can’t think of anything to say. People world wide are rejoicing.
Aries – You go on a big night out, get drunk, meet a country girl named Elly May, but in the morning wake up next to Granny.
Pisces – Your new prime time cooking show will come to an abrupt ending when the script advises you to peel four carrots and stand in boiling water for ten minutes. Ouch.
Saggitarius – After studying Spanish for 4 years, you will fail your verbal test when the only thing that you can recite is some words from “Pretty Fly For A White Guy”
Aquarius – In the future you will get a job as an air force pilot, crash your plane, survive, but due to budgetary cutbacks end up getting partially rebuilt and known as the $2.50 man.
Libra – You decide to model your life on an elite athlete. You pick the Russian high jumping dude who got drunk, but decide not to worry about the jumping bit.
Cancer – Bad news for you when, on the same day you see a huge man dressed in black leather, wearing sunglasses and carrying a shotgun, you change your name to Sarah Connor
Capricorn – Unwanted advances for you when you walk in to a Kings Cross milk bar and ask for a Gaytime.
Virgo – Unwanted advances will occur when you walk in to a Kings Cross milk bar and ask for an Icy Pole.
Gemini – Unwanted advances for you when upon entering a Kings Cross milk bar you ask for a Paddle Pop.
Leo – Your university professor advises you that your grades would be higher if you were “more well read”. That afternoon you have your entire body tattooed with the phone book.
Taurus – You can’t think of anything to say. People world wide are rejoicing.
Aries – You go on a big night out, get drunk, meet a country girl named Elly May, but in the morning wake up next to Granny.
Pisces – Your new prime time cooking show will come to an abrupt ending when the script advises you to peel four carrots and stand in boiling water for ten minutes. Ouch.
Saggitarius – After studying Spanish for 4 years, you will fail your verbal test when the only thing that you can recite is some words from “Pretty Fly For A White Guy”
Aquarius – In the future you will get a job as an air force pilot, crash your plane, survive, but due to budgetary cutbacks end up getting partially rebuilt and known as the $2.50 man.
Monday, September 1, 2008
What is the world coming to?
So this is what the world has come to. Some idiot school has decided that they will ban children doing cartwheels in the playground in case they get injured. What are we hoping to make our next generation of children? Big wussy children I suspect.
They are probably worried that somebody will hurt a boo boo and that Mr and Mrs Kid will sue.
Kids are built to get hurt. That is why the band aid was invented.
I have decided that in the current state of affairs that I am going back to my earlier life and I am going to retrospectively sue as many people as I can think of. Where do I start?
Well Sutherland Shire Council had better be cashed up.
There was the time I fell off the slippery dip in Gymea. It seems to me that there should have been a sign saying that the slippery dip was indeed slippery.
How about the time I rode my scooter down the big hill behind my house. Not one of your modern day scooters with the mini wheels that can be folded up. This was one of your big scooters with pump up wheels. Now I can't remember clearly (probably due to the concussion) if the scooter had brakes. If it did, I either did not use them or didn't know how to use them. Anyway, I reckon that the hill was way too steep, and the fact I went all the way down at the speed of light, hit the gutter and collected somebody's letter box is just cause for a law suit. I will sue for injuries caused and my mother is sueing for the grisly task of picking road base out my my bleeding body.
Or how about the time I licked the sauce off my Stay Sharp knife. Those things are really sharp but the good news is that tongues heal really quickly. Nevertheless, these knives will have to be banned as they are an obvious hazard. I might even have to sue myself as it only happened a couple of years ago and I reckon I have enough money in the bank to make some good money out of myself.
Now the public school sector has a lot to answer for. If they would have banned that little knife I was cutting match sticks with, I never would have got that nasty scar on what has now become in the world of girls under 12s soccer as my rude finger. I am also waiting for an explanation as to why they let me field close in when Dougy Sparks was batting and copped the full brunt of the English Willow, right between my eyes. So now I want schools to ban cricket and anything involving a sharp knife.
Who else can I take to court? Well obviously the caravan park at Sussex Inlet where I fell in the water while fishing on the last days of holidays to my total embarrasement. What were they thinking when they put the park right on the edge of the water?
Back to the Sutherland Council. Now I can remember at least four times where I went off my bike, over the handle bars and landed face first on the road. Surely that could not have been my fault.
Maybe there are a few cricket coaches or associations I need to get hold of as well. The amount of times that I got hit in the head by bouncers is ridiculous. Why didn't anybody teach me how to either play the hook shot without using my head as a back stop or just taught me how to duck?
As a nation we have got to make a stand. Kids do stupid things, kids like to play and kids will always get hurt. That is a fact. We have to stop trying to protect them from every little bump and bruise that they might get. Thirty years ago, a bandage or broken arm was worn as a badge of honour. These days a kid gets hurt because a ball hits them in the face and soccer games are stopped.
It's time to toughen up Australia.
Perhaps the Moorebank Cricket Club fine of $2.00 for rubbing yourself if you get hit with a ball should be a standard practice in everyday life. You do a cartwheel, fall on your head, get up and do another one. That is what we are looking for. Let our kids play, get hurt and bounce back stonger than ever. Just remember to tell them that if they lick a Stay Sharp knife, it is likely to really hurt.
They are probably worried that somebody will hurt a boo boo and that Mr and Mrs Kid will sue.
Kids are built to get hurt. That is why the band aid was invented.
I have decided that in the current state of affairs that I am going back to my earlier life and I am going to retrospectively sue as many people as I can think of. Where do I start?
Well Sutherland Shire Council had better be cashed up.
There was the time I fell off the slippery dip in Gymea. It seems to me that there should have been a sign saying that the slippery dip was indeed slippery.
How about the time I rode my scooter down the big hill behind my house. Not one of your modern day scooters with the mini wheels that can be folded up. This was one of your big scooters with pump up wheels. Now I can't remember clearly (probably due to the concussion) if the scooter had brakes. If it did, I either did not use them or didn't know how to use them. Anyway, I reckon that the hill was way too steep, and the fact I went all the way down at the speed of light, hit the gutter and collected somebody's letter box is just cause for a law suit. I will sue for injuries caused and my mother is sueing for the grisly task of picking road base out my my bleeding body.
Or how about the time I licked the sauce off my Stay Sharp knife. Those things are really sharp but the good news is that tongues heal really quickly. Nevertheless, these knives will have to be banned as they are an obvious hazard. I might even have to sue myself as it only happened a couple of years ago and I reckon I have enough money in the bank to make some good money out of myself.
Now the public school sector has a lot to answer for. If they would have banned that little knife I was cutting match sticks with, I never would have got that nasty scar on what has now become in the world of girls under 12s soccer as my rude finger. I am also waiting for an explanation as to why they let me field close in when Dougy Sparks was batting and copped the full brunt of the English Willow, right between my eyes. So now I want schools to ban cricket and anything involving a sharp knife.
Who else can I take to court? Well obviously the caravan park at Sussex Inlet where I fell in the water while fishing on the last days of holidays to my total embarrasement. What were they thinking when they put the park right on the edge of the water?
Back to the Sutherland Council. Now I can remember at least four times where I went off my bike, over the handle bars and landed face first on the road. Surely that could not have been my fault.
Maybe there are a few cricket coaches or associations I need to get hold of as well. The amount of times that I got hit in the head by bouncers is ridiculous. Why didn't anybody teach me how to either play the hook shot without using my head as a back stop or just taught me how to duck?
As a nation we have got to make a stand. Kids do stupid things, kids like to play and kids will always get hurt. That is a fact. We have to stop trying to protect them from every little bump and bruise that they might get. Thirty years ago, a bandage or broken arm was worn as a badge of honour. These days a kid gets hurt because a ball hits them in the face and soccer games are stopped.
It's time to toughen up Australia.
Perhaps the Moorebank Cricket Club fine of $2.00 for rubbing yourself if you get hit with a ball should be a standard practice in everyday life. You do a cartwheel, fall on your head, get up and do another one. That is what we are looking for. Let our kids play, get hurt and bounce back stonger than ever. Just remember to tell them that if they lick a Stay Sharp knife, it is likely to really hurt.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Your weekly horoscope
Scorpio - Great disappointment for you when you go to Pickles Auctions but find no mini cucumbers in vinegar.
Libra - You will realise that your cochlear implant is not working too well when you purchase a holiday package you heard on the radio to a hippy retreat. You end up in an African river hoping not to get eaten by crocodiles.
Cancer - You find out that the probability of winning lotto is one in 200 million. You buy enough entries to cover this in the 250 million dollar jackpot week but do not win. Next time, try using different numbers in every square.
Capricorn - You will decide to reduce your medication after putting the hard word on Penelope Pittstop from the Wacky Races, only to have Peter Perfect knock you out. Lucky for you that your dog Mutley is there to save your life and wake you up with his annoying snigger.
Virgo - In a scene very similar to that from Spinal Tap, you will become the architect of the World's tinyest skyscraper.
Gemini - You will get drunk with your best mate and win gold for Australia in the synchronised farting contest. Lucky for you that you are dating a synchronised swimmer and have one of her nose clips handy.
Leo - Your recent steroid use will rear its ugly head when you wake up one morning with two heads.
Taurus - Next time you enter a nude piano accordian contest, remember to wax your chest. Ouch
Aries - Relations between you and your partner will be strained over the misuse of a colander.
Pisces - You discover that your new job as a taxidermist has nothing to do with your ability to drive a car.
Sagitarius - Dismay for you when the doctor who is treating you for your phobia against bad American Country type music is named Hook.
Aquarius - After watching James Bond's "Never Say Never Again", you vow to never say never again only to realise that you just broke your promise.
Libra - You will realise that your cochlear implant is not working too well when you purchase a holiday package you heard on the radio to a hippy retreat. You end up in an African river hoping not to get eaten by crocodiles.
Cancer - You find out that the probability of winning lotto is one in 200 million. You buy enough entries to cover this in the 250 million dollar jackpot week but do not win. Next time, try using different numbers in every square.
Capricorn - You will decide to reduce your medication after putting the hard word on Penelope Pittstop from the Wacky Races, only to have Peter Perfect knock you out. Lucky for you that your dog Mutley is there to save your life and wake you up with his annoying snigger.
Virgo - In a scene very similar to that from Spinal Tap, you will become the architect of the World's tinyest skyscraper.
Gemini - You will get drunk with your best mate and win gold for Australia in the synchronised farting contest. Lucky for you that you are dating a synchronised swimmer and have one of her nose clips handy.
Leo - Your recent steroid use will rear its ugly head when you wake up one morning with two heads.
Taurus - Next time you enter a nude piano accordian contest, remember to wax your chest. Ouch
Aries - Relations between you and your partner will be strained over the misuse of a colander.
Pisces - You discover that your new job as a taxidermist has nothing to do with your ability to drive a car.
Sagitarius - Dismay for you when the doctor who is treating you for your phobia against bad American Country type music is named Hook.
Aquarius - After watching James Bond's "Never Say Never Again", you vow to never say never again only to realise that you just broke your promise.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
This week's horoscopt
Scorpio – You will win a substantial settlement in court from Ashley and Martin after you win first prize in a Peter Garret look a like competition.
Libra – Drastic measures need to be taken when you can’t fit into your pants, your shirts are too tight and you weigh 27 kilos more than before. However changing your name to Augustus Gloop were not the measures we were thinking of.
Cancer – After prostitute after prostitute turn you down, you will finally come to the realization that you just can’t buy a trick.
Capricorn – You will go to the doctor with severe stomach cramps after hearing Crowded House sing “somewhere deep inside, something's got a hold on you”. He tells you that nothing is wrong. The next day you die of appendicitis.
Virgo – You will dream of being a daydreamer. Or in reality are you just having a daydream?
Gemini – After being impaled by a broomstick while wearing a jumper made by your best friend Ron’s mother, you almost realise your dream of having a disease named after you. Cheer up, Harry Potter's disease doesn’t sound that bad.
Leo – Your clumsiness will pay off for you when a major TV network signs you up for the World’s first reality/funniest home video combined programme
Taurus – People will start to look at you in a different way when at the local soccer club trivia night, you know all the answers to the “Home and Away” questions.
Aries – Your new heavy metal band will be fined an undisclosed amount when a jury finds you guilty by deciding that rock and roll is in fact noise pollution.
Pisces – Your attempt at suicide fails once more when you just happen to jump off a building where they are filming 101 greatest stunt men. A pile of cardboard boxes and mattresses will break your fall. Realising your stupidity and your new found will to live, you run up to the nearest bearded man and give him a big kiss. In late breaking news Chuck Norris is aquitted of the manslaughter charges.
Saggitarius – You will fantasise in a dream about Harry Potter's wife. Unfortunately it turns out to be Katrina Lee. (there is one that some of you youngsters will have to research)
Libra – Drastic measures need to be taken when you can’t fit into your pants, your shirts are too tight and you weigh 27 kilos more than before. However changing your name to Augustus Gloop were not the measures we were thinking of.
Cancer – After prostitute after prostitute turn you down, you will finally come to the realization that you just can’t buy a trick.
Capricorn – You will go to the doctor with severe stomach cramps after hearing Crowded House sing “somewhere deep inside, something's got a hold on you”. He tells you that nothing is wrong. The next day you die of appendicitis.
Virgo – You will dream of being a daydreamer. Or in reality are you just having a daydream?
Gemini – After being impaled by a broomstick while wearing a jumper made by your best friend Ron’s mother, you almost realise your dream of having a disease named after you. Cheer up, Harry Potter's disease doesn’t sound that bad.
Leo – Your clumsiness will pay off for you when a major TV network signs you up for the World’s first reality/funniest home video combined programme
Taurus – People will start to look at you in a different way when at the local soccer club trivia night, you know all the answers to the “Home and Away” questions.
Aries – Your new heavy metal band will be fined an undisclosed amount when a jury finds you guilty by deciding that rock and roll is in fact noise pollution.
Pisces – Your attempt at suicide fails once more when you just happen to jump off a building where they are filming 101 greatest stunt men. A pile of cardboard boxes and mattresses will break your fall. Realising your stupidity and your new found will to live, you run up to the nearest bearded man and give him a big kiss. In late breaking news Chuck Norris is aquitted of the manslaughter charges.
Saggitarius – You will fantasise in a dream about Harry Potter's wife. Unfortunately it turns out to be Katrina Lee. (there is one that some of you youngsters will have to research)
Friday, August 1, 2008
Desert Island Discs
So it seems that the voters have spoken and Radio Station 95.3fm has declared that Meat Loaf's Bat Out Of Hell is the number one desert island disc. Not a bad choice I guess, but is it one of the albums you want to listen to all of the time when you're on that island?
With a bit of luck, that island will be Gilligan's, so that way, The Professor will be able to come up with some way that you can play your music.
Now if you happen to land on Gilligan's Island, you would have to (for male readers only) hope that Maryanne is there. Listening to Bat Out Of Hell while eating coconut cream pie. Does it get any better than that? Probably not on a dessert island. Hey did you pick up on the way I intentionally changed the spelling of desert to dessert just for that paragraph when bringing in the coconut cream pie bit? I am really on my game today.
And what if you are a female? What could any of the Gilligan's Island men offer you? The Skipper is so dumb that he picked Gilligan as his first mate. And what about his weight problem? Surely a desert island is the perfect place to shed a few kilos.
Gilligan? He is a goose. Why he ever burnt the bush that let you read minds is beyond me.
Thurston Howell III is loaded but he is stuck with Luvvy, and the Professor is a big dork, but he does have the ability to make electricity and lots of other stuff.
Tough choice girls.
Anyway, I have seemed to get off the track a little. Desert Island Discs was the topic. I need to come up with my own top 10. This is a tough choice. Ever since the digital age hit us, how many of you have listened to an album cover to cover? Side 1 then side 2? I can't remember the last time I did.
Back in the good old days you might have had a good side 1 and bad side 2 or vice versa. CDs have taken that away. I like the snap and crackle of the old vinyls, but I suppose that the desert island might be hot and melt these(just like my Bob Dylan album was warped in the sun!!!) so I will take the cd's.
Back to the task. Without looking in my mp3 player (it's not an ipod, it's a Zune, which is much better), I am going to go inside my brain on a long journey to pick my top 10. It's sort of like a fantastic journey, and don't panic, Donald Pleasence will still get killed and Raquel Welch will still be looking hot.
In no particular order, as that would be totally foreign to my brain, here it is.
Ian Hunter by Ian Hunter. You all thought that "Once Bitten Twice Shy" was his only song, but the whole album is the same standard. By the way, did you realise that he wrote and sang the original song "Cleveland Rocks" from the Drew Carey show? I have that album too if anybody cares.
Next would have to be East by Cold Chisel. The only song I don't really like is "Choir Girl" but "Star Hotel" makes up for this. I am not ashamed to admit that I always wondered why Jimmy Barnes was smoking a Dyna Mint Cigar back in the days when Dyna Mints were bigger than tic tacs. Gee, we have all tried smoking tea bags but a cigar of Dyna Mints? It never made sense. Stupid me should have taken out the lyrics sheet and given it a good read.
Number 3 and I guess I better be one of the sheep and pick Hotel California by The Eagles, as long as I have some ear phones as "Life In The Fast Lane" is best listened to this way.
My brain is really straining and telling me that Neil Young has to be on the island. But which album? If I happened to be on the island with my accoustic guitar it would be Harvest. If I had my electric guitar(and provided the professor could hook me up with electicity and amplifiers) it would be Rust Never Sleeps. No, I have to pick Hawks and Doves. Never heard it? Go out and buy it, steal it from Lime Wire and remember that "live music is better- bumper stickers should be introduced".
Number 5. The brain is hunting through it's 70's storage facility. JPY? Christie Allen? Jimmy and the Boys? Whew, I think I must have just gone through a whole episode of Countdown, and yes Christie Allen still looks good in those skin tight shiny pants. Wait a minute, I think Billy Joel might be a contender. Gee this could be embarrassing. It is a good thing nobody reads this blog. Piano Man? A bit Pianoey. Glass Houses? I don't like side 2, or side 1, I can't remember. It has to be The Stranger and I still do wonder whatever happened to both Brenda and Eddie.
Five to go
The Sunny Boys self titled album. Happy Man is a great song but all of them stand up. "Trouble In My Brain" is one that I can relate to at the moment.
While on self titled albums, I have to take the Choirboys. They had me from the first time I saw them at the Cronulla Workers Club and pronounced to all leading into the song "bullshit" that "this song's for Malcolm Fraser because he's an arsehole". Albert studios sure pumped out some good albums and I am sorry that I can't fit Scarred For Life by Rose Tattoo in the ten.
With 3 to go, Alice Cooper is a must. "Welcome To My Nightmare", what a great album. When I was a lot younger back in the days of black and white tv, I couldn't sleep one night and turned on to see Alice doing this album. That is probably the reason for my insomnia over the past 35 years. Problem solved with no psychiatric help. Alice has not aged since this album came out. He looked like he was 70 years old then and still does. Any rock star who plays golf, can get Donnie Osmond into a song, and came out with the line "we can't even think of a word that rhymes" has to get my vote.
The final 2? I am not letting myself pick greatest hits albums otherwise Steve Miller is there.
I just have to brain storm for a moment. Rumours by Fleetwood Mac, A Night At The Opera by Queen(always listen to "Death On Two Legs" with earphones). I just don't know.
How could I forget Bruce Springsteen. I saw him live from the front row doing his accoustic stuff and I'm sure he smiled at me. Born to Run is great. Born In The USA would be great without "Dancing In The Dark". No it has to be Greetings From Asbury Park NJ. If you have ever wondered where Manfred Mann came up with "Blinded By The Light", have a listen to this one.
So who will be lucky last? Status Quo or Hush or the guy who sang the Pina Colada song? Maybe Slade with Sladest just for the great album cover. While on album covers why not Nuthin' Fancy by Lynard Skynard? Does anybody else get flashbacks to the Grey Gums Hotel when I mention that one? Probably only Chucky Poos.
We have no females in the collection and I need some relief after talking to Maryanne day after day. Carole King? Nuh. The Numbers? Maybe. Christie Allen? I am a bit worried that she keeps popping up. No, there is only one choice and that is Quatro by Suzi Quatro. I have forgiven her for breaking my heart by marrying her guitarist Len Tuckey.
That is it everyone. Let me know your top ten, but you can do it in a shorter version if you want.
With a bit of luck, that island will be Gilligan's, so that way, The Professor will be able to come up with some way that you can play your music.
Now if you happen to land on Gilligan's Island, you would have to (for male readers only) hope that Maryanne is there. Listening to Bat Out Of Hell while eating coconut cream pie. Does it get any better than that? Probably not on a dessert island. Hey did you pick up on the way I intentionally changed the spelling of desert to dessert just for that paragraph when bringing in the coconut cream pie bit? I am really on my game today.
And what if you are a female? What could any of the Gilligan's Island men offer you? The Skipper is so dumb that he picked Gilligan as his first mate. And what about his weight problem? Surely a desert island is the perfect place to shed a few kilos.
Gilligan? He is a goose. Why he ever burnt the bush that let you read minds is beyond me.
Thurston Howell III is loaded but he is stuck with Luvvy, and the Professor is a big dork, but he does have the ability to make electricity and lots of other stuff.
Tough choice girls.
Anyway, I have seemed to get off the track a little. Desert Island Discs was the topic. I need to come up with my own top 10. This is a tough choice. Ever since the digital age hit us, how many of you have listened to an album cover to cover? Side 1 then side 2? I can't remember the last time I did.
Back in the good old days you might have had a good side 1 and bad side 2 or vice versa. CDs have taken that away. I like the snap and crackle of the old vinyls, but I suppose that the desert island might be hot and melt these(just like my Bob Dylan album was warped in the sun!!!) so I will take the cd's.
Back to the task. Without looking in my mp3 player (it's not an ipod, it's a Zune, which is much better), I am going to go inside my brain on a long journey to pick my top 10. It's sort of like a fantastic journey, and don't panic, Donald Pleasence will still get killed and Raquel Welch will still be looking hot.
In no particular order, as that would be totally foreign to my brain, here it is.
Ian Hunter by Ian Hunter. You all thought that "Once Bitten Twice Shy" was his only song, but the whole album is the same standard. By the way, did you realise that he wrote and sang the original song "Cleveland Rocks" from the Drew Carey show? I have that album too if anybody cares.
Next would have to be East by Cold Chisel. The only song I don't really like is "Choir Girl" but "Star Hotel" makes up for this. I am not ashamed to admit that I always wondered why Jimmy Barnes was smoking a Dyna Mint Cigar back in the days when Dyna Mints were bigger than tic tacs. Gee, we have all tried smoking tea bags but a cigar of Dyna Mints? It never made sense. Stupid me should have taken out the lyrics sheet and given it a good read.
Number 3 and I guess I better be one of the sheep and pick Hotel California by The Eagles, as long as I have some ear phones as "Life In The Fast Lane" is best listened to this way.
My brain is really straining and telling me that Neil Young has to be on the island. But which album? If I happened to be on the island with my accoustic guitar it would be Harvest. If I had my electric guitar(and provided the professor could hook me up with electicity and amplifiers) it would be Rust Never Sleeps. No, I have to pick Hawks and Doves. Never heard it? Go out and buy it, steal it from Lime Wire and remember that "live music is better- bumper stickers should be introduced".
Number 5. The brain is hunting through it's 70's storage facility. JPY? Christie Allen? Jimmy and the Boys? Whew, I think I must have just gone through a whole episode of Countdown, and yes Christie Allen still looks good in those skin tight shiny pants. Wait a minute, I think Billy Joel might be a contender. Gee this could be embarrassing. It is a good thing nobody reads this blog. Piano Man? A bit Pianoey. Glass Houses? I don't like side 2, or side 1, I can't remember. It has to be The Stranger and I still do wonder whatever happened to both Brenda and Eddie.
Five to go
The Sunny Boys self titled album. Happy Man is a great song but all of them stand up. "Trouble In My Brain" is one that I can relate to at the moment.
While on self titled albums, I have to take the Choirboys. They had me from the first time I saw them at the Cronulla Workers Club and pronounced to all leading into the song "bullshit" that "this song's for Malcolm Fraser because he's an arsehole". Albert studios sure pumped out some good albums and I am sorry that I can't fit Scarred For Life by Rose Tattoo in the ten.
With 3 to go, Alice Cooper is a must. "Welcome To My Nightmare", what a great album. When I was a lot younger back in the days of black and white tv, I couldn't sleep one night and turned on to see Alice doing this album. That is probably the reason for my insomnia over the past 35 years. Problem solved with no psychiatric help. Alice has not aged since this album came out. He looked like he was 70 years old then and still does. Any rock star who plays golf, can get Donnie Osmond into a song, and came out with the line "we can't even think of a word that rhymes" has to get my vote.
The final 2? I am not letting myself pick greatest hits albums otherwise Steve Miller is there.
I just have to brain storm for a moment. Rumours by Fleetwood Mac, A Night At The Opera by Queen(always listen to "Death On Two Legs" with earphones). I just don't know.
How could I forget Bruce Springsteen. I saw him live from the front row doing his accoustic stuff and I'm sure he smiled at me. Born to Run is great. Born In The USA would be great without "Dancing In The Dark". No it has to be Greetings From Asbury Park NJ. If you have ever wondered where Manfred Mann came up with "Blinded By The Light", have a listen to this one.
So who will be lucky last? Status Quo or Hush or the guy who sang the Pina Colada song? Maybe Slade with Sladest just for the great album cover. While on album covers why not Nuthin' Fancy by Lynard Skynard? Does anybody else get flashbacks to the Grey Gums Hotel when I mention that one? Probably only Chucky Poos.
We have no females in the collection and I need some relief after talking to Maryanne day after day. Carole King? Nuh. The Numbers? Maybe. Christie Allen? I am a bit worried that she keeps popping up. No, there is only one choice and that is Quatro by Suzi Quatro. I have forgiven her for breaking my heart by marrying her guitarist Len Tuckey.
That is it everyone. Let me know your top ten, but you can do it in a shorter version if you want.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Country of Origin
So the smog Olympics are nearly upon us. What I want to see this year is not which countries have won the most medals, but which countries gave birth to the most medal winners. Somehow I get the feeling that there would be two different tallies. Whatever happened to being born in one country and representing it. Now you only have to live somewhere for a couple of years and all of a sudden you can represent them.
It's a bit like Queensland claiming Greg Inglis or New South Wales saying that Ken Nagas was ours. Let's face it, at times half of the English cricket team comes from South Africa or Australia. Yeah I know that Andrew Simons was born in England so maybe that is who he should be playing for if it goes on your place of birth.
There are circumstances where children move to another country when they are quite young but at present, countries like the great USA bring teenagers into their college system and then treat them as their own. That is just not good enough.
I know that I couldn't care less how Tatiana went when she competed for us in the Olympics. I don't call Russell Crowe or Split Enz Australian and I would like to see a truly representative State of Origin which stands for what it says. I don't want situations where people can pick and choose who they play for depending on parents or grandparents or who they scored their first junior try for.
I want the Country of Origin Olympics. I want the State of Origin to relate to your birth certificate. Come on Australia let's get our teams to be totally home grown.
It's a bit like Queensland claiming Greg Inglis or New South Wales saying that Ken Nagas was ours. Let's face it, at times half of the English cricket team comes from South Africa or Australia. Yeah I know that Andrew Simons was born in England so maybe that is who he should be playing for if it goes on your place of birth.
There are circumstances where children move to another country when they are quite young but at present, countries like the great USA bring teenagers into their college system and then treat them as their own. That is just not good enough.
I know that I couldn't care less how Tatiana went when she competed for us in the Olympics. I don't call Russell Crowe or Split Enz Australian and I would like to see a truly representative State of Origin which stands for what it says. I don't want situations where people can pick and choose who they play for depending on parents or grandparents or who they scored their first junior try for.
I want the Country of Origin Olympics. I want the State of Origin to relate to your birth certificate. Come on Australia let's get our teams to be totally home grown.
Baby on Board
I'm not sure whether it's a good thing or a bad thing, but eldest son is starting to think like me. Driving him home from soccer last weekend he asked me a question. He wanted to know what the point of those "baby on board" signs that people put in their cars. I had to be honest. I didn't know.
We came up with a few theories. Maybe when you're driving down the street and see a car that has "baby on board" proudly displayed, you then make a conscious decision not to have a collision with this car. You don't want to hurt the baby. Does seeing the sign preclude you from entering into a road rage situation with the other vehicle in case the baby on board starts to cry? I just don't know.
My only theory is that it has something to do with letting people know that you won't be driving very fast. If that is the case, you should not be shifting blame on to the baby. You need to have a "timid parent on board" sign on your rear window.
And what about the cars driving around with a "baby on board" sign when there is quite clearly no baby in the car. Should you be fined for a misrepresetation of baby on board felony?
In our household this has confused us no end. I blame it for last term's suspect maths report card. My son is obviously pondering the sign when he should be concentrating on cosines.
If somebody out there knows the meaning, please let me know.
PS. Any answers relating to Homer Simpson and his barber shop quartet with their hit single "baby on board" will be disregarded.
We came up with a few theories. Maybe when you're driving down the street and see a car that has "baby on board" proudly displayed, you then make a conscious decision not to have a collision with this car. You don't want to hurt the baby. Does seeing the sign preclude you from entering into a road rage situation with the other vehicle in case the baby on board starts to cry? I just don't know.
My only theory is that it has something to do with letting people know that you won't be driving very fast. If that is the case, you should not be shifting blame on to the baby. You need to have a "timid parent on board" sign on your rear window.
And what about the cars driving around with a "baby on board" sign when there is quite clearly no baby in the car. Should you be fined for a misrepresetation of baby on board felony?
In our household this has confused us no end. I blame it for last term's suspect maths report card. My son is obviously pondering the sign when he should be concentrating on cosines.
If somebody out there knows the meaning, please let me know.
PS. Any answers relating to Homer Simpson and his barber shop quartet with their hit single "baby on board" will be disregarded.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Pilgrim's progress
Be warned Australia. The pilgrims are on the loose. They have congregated in Sydney and are now travelling out into the great unknown. The funny thing is that they seem to have left their brains behind. I would have thought that all that tuna they were feeding you would have made you a bit smarter. 590 of the religious red and yellow backpackers turned up today at Central Station wanting to catch a train to Brisbane. Guess what guys, the train doesn't carry that many people. In my experience, people travelling for major events in other countries should do one thing before they leave. Plan your trip. Come on guys, don't lob over here and think that everything will turn out ok.
During the Olympics, fans were trying to get to Brisbane from Sydney for a 730 pm soccer match. Only problem was that it was 4pm in the afternoon. Please please plan your trip in advance.
The best one of all time was the American lady who travelled half way around the world to see the total eclipse a few years back. She turns up at Central Station and asks for a ticket to Lyndhurst. She is sold a ticket to Lyndhurst. She gets to Lyndhurst and wonders where all the other eclipse loving people are. Well they are all in Lyndhurst, South Australia. She is in Lyndhurst New South Wales.
Please plan your trips in advance otherwise I will be forced to mock you in front of the World, or at least my tiny section of the World who are reading this.
During the Olympics, fans were trying to get to Brisbane from Sydney for a 730 pm soccer match. Only problem was that it was 4pm in the afternoon. Please please plan your trip in advance.
The best one of all time was the American lady who travelled half way around the world to see the total eclipse a few years back. She turns up at Central Station and asks for a ticket to Lyndhurst. She is sold a ticket to Lyndhurst. She gets to Lyndhurst and wonders where all the other eclipse loving people are. Well they are all in Lyndhurst, South Australia. She is in Lyndhurst New South Wales.
Please plan your trips in advance otherwise I will be forced to mock you in front of the World, or at least my tiny section of the World who are reading this.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Soccer Sickies
This is the scenario. Two soccer players go into a harmless tackle, one runs away with the ball and the other is a little bit hurt so does not get up. Cries from the sideline and all over the field. "kick the ball out". The ball is kicked out and five seconds later the player gets up and walks off the injury. No harm done. The ball is given back to the team that had the ball and everybody on the field and in the crowd claps. Personally I would like to throw up.
I mentioned this to somebody the other day and they questioned my sportsmanship. I fully understand that with children playing that some action does need to be taken. What needs to happen is for the referee to blow his whistle immediately that he thinks somebody is injured and needs attention. Then we could have a good old fashioned drop ball where players from each team contest the ball.
What we have at the moment is a plague. Professional footballers rolling around the ground in pain when there is nothing wrong with them. Why? To stop play and get their team organised again.
There needs to be some reward in the game for the player who can win a fair challenge and play on. Why should the other player have the game stopped just to accommodate them? How about this? If you go down injured and need assistance, you are not allowed back on the field for another five minutes. I will call it "duty of care". We need to really assess if you are indeed injured or fit to continue the game. I guarantee that players will then be getting up instead of seeking sympathy from all around.
What I say to all you players out there is that if you get injured in a tackle and its not too bad, try to get up and see if you can play on. Isn't this better than waiting for a medically unqualified volunteer coach or manager with a bottle of luke warm water running on the field to ask you how it is? Come on Australia, we used to be tough. Lets not follow the ways of the rest of the soccer world.
And on that injury point, some of you tennis players out there need to toughen up a bit as well. The amount of times that you call an injury time out is shocking. If some physio can fix up your injury with a bit of a massage in ten minutes, then you are not injured. You are just wasting everybody's time and probably using the break for your own advantage. If you can't play on, you forfeit, and please, don't get me started on toilet breaks.
I mentioned this to somebody the other day and they questioned my sportsmanship. I fully understand that with children playing that some action does need to be taken. What needs to happen is for the referee to blow his whistle immediately that he thinks somebody is injured and needs attention. Then we could have a good old fashioned drop ball where players from each team contest the ball.
What we have at the moment is a plague. Professional footballers rolling around the ground in pain when there is nothing wrong with them. Why? To stop play and get their team organised again.
There needs to be some reward in the game for the player who can win a fair challenge and play on. Why should the other player have the game stopped just to accommodate them? How about this? If you go down injured and need assistance, you are not allowed back on the field for another five minutes. I will call it "duty of care". We need to really assess if you are indeed injured or fit to continue the game. I guarantee that players will then be getting up instead of seeking sympathy from all around.
What I say to all you players out there is that if you get injured in a tackle and its not too bad, try to get up and see if you can play on. Isn't this better than waiting for a medically unqualified volunteer coach or manager with a bottle of luke warm water running on the field to ask you how it is? Come on Australia, we used to be tough. Lets not follow the ways of the rest of the soccer world.
And on that injury point, some of you tennis players out there need to toughen up a bit as well. The amount of times that you call an injury time out is shocking. If some physio can fix up your injury with a bit of a massage in ten minutes, then you are not injured. You are just wasting everybody's time and probably using the break for your own advantage. If you can't play on, you forfeit, and please, don't get me started on toilet breaks.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Girly By Name, Girly By Nature
Sandy Lyle used to be able to play golf. He won the British Open in 1985.
Yesterday after the poor dear had to endure rain and wind, he walked off the course at the 11th hole on a score of 10 over par.
You big wimp. You say that you are getting ready for the seniors tour. Well let me say this you big woosie man (not to be confused with Ian Woosnam who had too many clubs in his bag and had no choice but to leave the course in the Open a few years back) you should be banned from golf forever.
Years back I was playing golf in a competition and our group came to the last hole. It was around 200 metres straight up a hill. My 80 year old playing partner asked me if I would be able to pull his buggy up the hill for him. No problem I replied. He hit it straight up the hill while I sliced so far that I could have hit the ball half way around a greyhound track. While I went off in search of the ball, my playing partner ended up taking his own buggy up the hill. He didn't complain, took triple bogey and looked forward to his next round of golf.
Former champion Ian Baker Finch realised that he can no longer play golf at a respectable level and so called it a day. Smart move. He didn't want to embarrass himself anymore. All of us weekend hackers have been 10 over par after 11 holes. We all finish the game. While there is a chance that something good could happen, we keep going.
But you Sandy Lyle decided that it was too hard and wet and cold. You quit and that's what you should do with your golf game if you haven't got the guts to see out a round of golf. I am sure the first reserve for the tournament must have been thrilled, watching on television while you exited the course.
I hope the senior tour tells you where to stick your sand wedge.
Yesterday after the poor dear had to endure rain and wind, he walked off the course at the 11th hole on a score of 10 over par.
You big wimp. You say that you are getting ready for the seniors tour. Well let me say this you big woosie man (not to be confused with Ian Woosnam who had too many clubs in his bag and had no choice but to leave the course in the Open a few years back) you should be banned from golf forever.
Years back I was playing golf in a competition and our group came to the last hole. It was around 200 metres straight up a hill. My 80 year old playing partner asked me if I would be able to pull his buggy up the hill for him. No problem I replied. He hit it straight up the hill while I sliced so far that I could have hit the ball half way around a greyhound track. While I went off in search of the ball, my playing partner ended up taking his own buggy up the hill. He didn't complain, took triple bogey and looked forward to his next round of golf.
Former champion Ian Baker Finch realised that he can no longer play golf at a respectable level and so called it a day. Smart move. He didn't want to embarrass himself anymore. All of us weekend hackers have been 10 over par after 11 holes. We all finish the game. While there is a chance that something good could happen, we keep going.
But you Sandy Lyle decided that it was too hard and wet and cold. You quit and that's what you should do with your golf game if you haven't got the guts to see out a round of golf. I am sure the first reserve for the tournament must have been thrilled, watching on television while you exited the course.
I hope the senior tour tells you where to stick your sand wedge.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Horoscopes you need to Know
Scorpio - Bad news awaits as you will be trampled to death by Pilgrims rushing to see the Pope. On a positive side of things, at least there are plenty of priests around to give you your last rites.
Libra - You will be chosen as Tom Cruise's double in his upcoming action film. You will play his horrifyingly disfigured double after he falls from a helicopter into a vat of hydrochloric acid. Producers advise that you will not need any make up.
Capricorn - You will discover that the word "oops" is not one that you like to hear during open heart surgery.
Libra - Once again you will be mistaken for the Pope. I have told you a thousand times, grow some hair and ditch the Muu Muu.
Virgo - After 20 years of dismissing your neighbours advice that your front door is always wide open, you look down and quickly zip up your fly. That afternoon you return to find that your house has been burgled. Apparently the thieves walked in through the front door.
Gemini - You will be seriously injured when a herd of wild horses runs you over at a zebra crossing.
Leo - At an old antique shop, you rub an old lamp and a senile genie comes out. You are granted 3 wishes. You wish for a healthy long life, happiness and a peaceful death. Seconds after your most untimely death, the genie asks "now what were those first 2 wishes again"?
Taurus - After 20 years of mystery, torment and pain, all is healed when you discover that there were 2 Darrens in Bewitched.
Aries - A little bird tells you of impending trouble. Lucky your name is Doolittle.
Pisces - Wanting to impress your new girlfriend who belongs to the World Wildlife Fund, you put up a huge "free willy" sign on the front of your house. You are shocked the next morning to find 30 old men in raincoats standing on your front lawn.
Saggitarius - Your theory that we are all part of a giant computer programme is confirmed when the world's largest floppy disc gets rammed up your clacker.
Aquarius - After watching re runs of "back to the future", you invent a time machine and go forward in time so that you can gamble on sport results when you get back. Unfortunately, your actions in the future cause a problem with the time space continuum, and when you return, you have already died.
Libra - You will be chosen as Tom Cruise's double in his upcoming action film. You will play his horrifyingly disfigured double after he falls from a helicopter into a vat of hydrochloric acid. Producers advise that you will not need any make up.
Capricorn - You will discover that the word "oops" is not one that you like to hear during open heart surgery.
Libra - Once again you will be mistaken for the Pope. I have told you a thousand times, grow some hair and ditch the Muu Muu.
Virgo - After 20 years of dismissing your neighbours advice that your front door is always wide open, you look down and quickly zip up your fly. That afternoon you return to find that your house has been burgled. Apparently the thieves walked in through the front door.
Gemini - You will be seriously injured when a herd of wild horses runs you over at a zebra crossing.
Leo - At an old antique shop, you rub an old lamp and a senile genie comes out. You are granted 3 wishes. You wish for a healthy long life, happiness and a peaceful death. Seconds after your most untimely death, the genie asks "now what were those first 2 wishes again"?
Taurus - After 20 years of mystery, torment and pain, all is healed when you discover that there were 2 Darrens in Bewitched.
Aries - A little bird tells you of impending trouble. Lucky your name is Doolittle.
Pisces - Wanting to impress your new girlfriend who belongs to the World Wildlife Fund, you put up a huge "free willy" sign on the front of your house. You are shocked the next morning to find 30 old men in raincoats standing on your front lawn.
Saggitarius - Your theory that we are all part of a giant computer programme is confirmed when the world's largest floppy disc gets rammed up your clacker.
Aquarius - After watching re runs of "back to the future", you invent a time machine and go forward in time so that you can gamble on sport results when you get back. Unfortunately, your actions in the future cause a problem with the time space continuum, and when you return, you have already died.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
If you can't stand the heat, don't go near our kitchen
I am not ashamed to say that I work for ######rp. What I am ashamed of is to tell you my name.
Ever wondered why the trains seem to run late all the time, even though they now stop for extra minutes in the middle of nowhere in order to not run late (figure that one out).
You see the people that run the organisation have made a request of me.
I am not to leave my locker key in my locker as it is dangerous. To who, how or why this is dangerous I still can't figure out.
They have put a sticker on the toaster and kettle in the kitchen telling me that "surfaces may be hot".
When I was a small child, I remember putting my foot into a hot frypan (don't ask). In the following forty years I have never done it again. I have cooked toast in a toaster. I know that it is hot because when it comes out of the toaster it is no longer bread. I can feel the heat.
WhatR###rp should be doing is putting up signs "if you can't stand the heat, don't go anywhere near our kitchen because you might burn your boo boos on something that could be hot".
By the age of six, I am sure that all children have been reminded thousands of times not to put knives in power points, to be careful of the heater, to sip your hot drink before sculling it all. That is what parents are for.
That guy in the USA who sued because he burnt himself with coffee should himself be fined. If you are stupid enough to not know that a microwave over heats things up and stays a bit hot after use, then you probably don't know how to use the controls anyway. If you are stupid enough to somehow hurt yourself on my locker key, you should be immediately sacked.
Come on Australia, let's demand a right to hurt ourselves without being forewarned. Let us learn from our experiences, not from a sticker telling us what our experience might be.
Ever wondered why the trains seem to run late all the time, even though they now stop for extra minutes in the middle of nowhere in order to not run late (figure that one out).
You see the people that run the organisation have made a request of me.
I am not to leave my locker key in my locker as it is dangerous. To who, how or why this is dangerous I still can't figure out.
They have put a sticker on the toaster and kettle in the kitchen telling me that "surfaces may be hot".
When I was a small child, I remember putting my foot into a hot frypan (don't ask). In the following forty years I have never done it again. I have cooked toast in a toaster. I know that it is hot because when it comes out of the toaster it is no longer bread. I can feel the heat.
WhatR###rp should be doing is putting up signs "if you can't stand the heat, don't go anywhere near our kitchen because you might burn your boo boos on something that could be hot".
By the age of six, I am sure that all children have been reminded thousands of times not to put knives in power points, to be careful of the heater, to sip your hot drink before sculling it all. That is what parents are for.
That guy in the USA who sued because he burnt himself with coffee should himself be fined. If you are stupid enough to not know that a microwave over heats things up and stays a bit hot after use, then you probably don't know how to use the controls anyway. If you are stupid enough to somehow hurt yourself on my locker key, you should be immediately sacked.
Come on Australia, let's demand a right to hurt ourselves without being forewarned. Let us learn from our experiences, not from a sticker telling us what our experience might be.
Real Golf
Gee Tiger Woods, you must be doing it tough this week. Sitting at home with your bung knee up, watching while someone else is going to win the British Open.
Gee I have a lot of sympathy for you. We have heard all about the wife and the kid and the money but I don't care. What really gets to me is the way you would wince in pain with that extremely painful knee while winning the US Open. Then you say that you have been in pain for the last ten years.
Do you hear the violins playing? Welcome to my world Tiger. A world where just getting out of bed and walking down the stairs every morning wakes up the house with the noise coming out of my joints. I play golf too, albeit about 20 shots a round worse than you. Ever been up before it's light in the middle of winter, pulling your own buggy around while you zig zag across the fairway. Of course you haven't. That is what Steve is for. Ever tried to hit your first shot of the day without a warmup over the water on my local golf course? Probably not. You get picked up in a Buick hours before you play and are taken to the designated warmup area. There you find a neat pile of Nikes ready to hit into the distance. You don't even have to go and collect them afterwards.
Real golf is about finding a smaller golf ball in your bag of practice balls. Mine is a Slazenger. How many years out of date is it?
Ever had to play a game of golf with 3 other guys and be the designated seeing-eye golfer. You see most of the guys at my golf club are getting on and lose the ball after the first 20 metres. None of us can afford the laser surgery that allows you to see an undulation on a green from 200 metres.
Tiger, you are good, you know you're good and so does everybody, so just get on with winning every time you play but please leave the theatrics out, no matter how much it hurts. Please just spare a thought for all of us limping around the course with bad knees, backs and whatever you can throw at us, carrying our own equipment, forgetting to pack an umbrella and getting excited when we find somebody else's Nike golf ball that they lost in the water of the first hole. To all of those club golfers out there I have one thing to say "for those about to golf - we salute you".
Gee I have a lot of sympathy for you. We have heard all about the wife and the kid and the money but I don't care. What really gets to me is the way you would wince in pain with that extremely painful knee while winning the US Open. Then you say that you have been in pain for the last ten years.
Do you hear the violins playing? Welcome to my world Tiger. A world where just getting out of bed and walking down the stairs every morning wakes up the house with the noise coming out of my joints. I play golf too, albeit about 20 shots a round worse than you. Ever been up before it's light in the middle of winter, pulling your own buggy around while you zig zag across the fairway. Of course you haven't. That is what Steve is for. Ever tried to hit your first shot of the day without a warmup over the water on my local golf course? Probably not. You get picked up in a Buick hours before you play and are taken to the designated warmup area. There you find a neat pile of Nikes ready to hit into the distance. You don't even have to go and collect them afterwards.
Real golf is about finding a smaller golf ball in your bag of practice balls. Mine is a Slazenger. How many years out of date is it?
Ever had to play a game of golf with 3 other guys and be the designated seeing-eye golfer. You see most of the guys at my golf club are getting on and lose the ball after the first 20 metres. None of us can afford the laser surgery that allows you to see an undulation on a green from 200 metres.
Tiger, you are good, you know you're good and so does everybody, so just get on with winning every time you play but please leave the theatrics out, no matter how much it hurts. Please just spare a thought for all of us limping around the course with bad knees, backs and whatever you can throw at us, carrying our own equipment, forgetting to pack an umbrella and getting excited when we find somebody else's Nike golf ball that they lost in the water of the first hole. To all of those club golfers out there I have one thing to say "for those about to golf - we salute you".
How Football Was Meant to be Watched
I first went to the then Olympic Stadium at Homebush to watch a centenary match of Rugby Union between the Wallabies and England. I won the tickets in a competition and ended up sitting in what can only be described as the "reverse nose bleed seats". It could be described as the worst seat in the house. They couldn't give a ticket away to sit there, except to some poor fool who spent 55 cents in a phone competition.
A few years later I took the kids to a semi final to watch the beloved Sharkies go around. The seats were a bit better but they were in the 20/20 section. If you didn't have 20/20 vision you could not see the game.
All around the world , the stadiums are getting bigger, the fans are getting further away from the game and your average obese bum just doesn't fit in those plastic fold up seats.
It got me thinking about the good old days as a youngster where every second Sunday was spent at Seymour Shaw Park Miranda to watch all three grades of the Sutherland soccer team. Bench seats on one side, a small hill at either end and a bench seat grandstand on the other side. The crowds were never really what you could call huge but the place did have atmosphere.
My father took me to watch my then beloved Newtown play against St George at Kogarah Jubilee Oval and also the mighty Blue Bags whallop Parramatta at Henson Park. This is how footy should be watched. Atmosphere and a grassed area. I have sat with grass underneath me at the SCG. It too has now turned into a vast area of plastic bucket seats. Watching a game in such a place just isn't as good as it used to be.
I haven't been to Leichhardt Oval but everytime I see a game there on television the place seems to be alive. The heads of all the sporting codes keep telling teams what the public want. Well I'm the public and you haven't asked me yet.
"ANY GROUND THAT IS CALLED AN OVAL OR A PARK HAS A GOOD CHANCE OF BEING MY TYPE OF LOCATION"
I need some toilet paper available in case I need to go ( but this is only at half time as I am at the game to watch the match). I want a kiosk, not a restaurant or some fancy specialist eatery. The kiosk is to be run by a local group of women and men with all of the profits going to the club. I don't want to spend $20 on some gourmet style sandwich. I just want a pie or a sausage roll or a bucket of chips, maybe a chocolate heart or a golden gaytime (am I still allowed to say that). If I get change for my $10 I will be happy.
Most of all I want the opportunity to sit on grass if I want or to get a splinter in the grandstand while telling the ref he's an idiot without getting thrown out of the ground. You see I am an Australian and it is my God given right to watch a game that is not in some mega stadium. Any ground that is called an Oval or a Park has a good chance of being my type of location. Put on the word "stadium" and my interest wanes.
Have the big wigs out there ever wondered why you can jam pack 17000 into Leichhardt Oval while a similar match at The Olympic Stadium, sorry, Telstra Stadium, woops, ANZ Stadium fails to register on the Richter Scale.
Come on Australia let's get smaller, let's get back to the suburbs and let's enjoy the games like they were meant to be enjoyed.
A few years later I took the kids to a semi final to watch the beloved Sharkies go around. The seats were a bit better but they were in the 20/20 section. If you didn't have 20/20 vision you could not see the game.
All around the world , the stadiums are getting bigger, the fans are getting further away from the game and your average obese bum just doesn't fit in those plastic fold up seats.
It got me thinking about the good old days as a youngster where every second Sunday was spent at Seymour Shaw Park Miranda to watch all three grades of the Sutherland soccer team. Bench seats on one side, a small hill at either end and a bench seat grandstand on the other side. The crowds were never really what you could call huge but the place did have atmosphere.
My father took me to watch my then beloved Newtown play against St George at Kogarah Jubilee Oval and also the mighty Blue Bags whallop Parramatta at Henson Park. This is how footy should be watched. Atmosphere and a grassed area. I have sat with grass underneath me at the SCG. It too has now turned into a vast area of plastic bucket seats. Watching a game in such a place just isn't as good as it used to be.
I haven't been to Leichhardt Oval but everytime I see a game there on television the place seems to be alive. The heads of all the sporting codes keep telling teams what the public want. Well I'm the public and you haven't asked me yet.
"ANY GROUND THAT IS CALLED AN OVAL OR A PARK HAS A GOOD CHANCE OF BEING MY TYPE OF LOCATION"
I need some toilet paper available in case I need to go ( but this is only at half time as I am at the game to watch the match). I want a kiosk, not a restaurant or some fancy specialist eatery. The kiosk is to be run by a local group of women and men with all of the profits going to the club. I don't want to spend $20 on some gourmet style sandwich. I just want a pie or a sausage roll or a bucket of chips, maybe a chocolate heart or a golden gaytime (am I still allowed to say that). If I get change for my $10 I will be happy.
Most of all I want the opportunity to sit on grass if I want or to get a splinter in the grandstand while telling the ref he's an idiot without getting thrown out of the ground. You see I am an Australian and it is my God given right to watch a game that is not in some mega stadium. Any ground that is called an Oval or a Park has a good chance of being my type of location. Put on the word "stadium" and my interest wanes.
Have the big wigs out there ever wondered why you can jam pack 17000 into Leichhardt Oval while a similar match at The Olympic Stadium, sorry, Telstra Stadium, woops, ANZ Stadium fails to register on the Richter Scale.
Come on Australia let's get smaller, let's get back to the suburbs and let's enjoy the games like they were meant to be enjoyed.
Iguanagate
As a person with average intelligence, depending on who you ask, it is time for me to proclaim to the world that "enough is enough".
It all started in the early 70s in Washington DC at a place called the Watergate Hotel. (by the way, for all you trivia contestants the DC stands for District of Columbia) Ten percent of all trivia nights ask this question. Anyway back to the Watergate Hotel. It's a really nice place but a little bit snooty. Snooty to me is having to pay for somebody to carry your bags. I managed to scam a free night there a couple of years back, but being Australian, resented having to give up my hard earned for somebody to carry my undies and show me how to open a door.
But I digress. I have no journalistic background but realise that a journalist must have resticted time between getting the story and getting the story in print or on air. Finding all the facts, every last details, all of the nitty gritty behind a story must really be a tough gig.
What really annoys me is the total lack of imagination that the media have in coming up with a name for a scandal. Are we the public so stupid that we can't focus our attention unless the scandal has a name?
Watergate. That was a big scandal. Big repercussions. Careers ruined. It was named after the place where the scandal occurred, the Watergate Hotel. A real no brainer, but it worked.
So why has every scandal ever since have to had the suffix "gate" added to the end of it? Really, what does Nannygate, Sirengate, Spygate, Nipplegate, Grannygate or the latest Iguanagate have in common with a gate? Nothing. Whether it's the journalist or some other idiot coming up with the headlines, you all need to take a good look at yourselves. Whacking a "gate" on the end of another word or place just doesn't cut it with me anymore. Use you but please, no more gates.
What would happen if there were a scandal pertaining to Bill Gates? Would you call it Bill Gatesgate? I hope not but fear that this would be the case.
It's time for us all to take a stand. A bit of creativity is all that I am asking for.
We all remember seeing Justin Timberlake ripping off Janet Jackson's outfit and revealing a breast. Nipplegate. That's all that they could come up with. Give me a break. What about "rip a nip"? That's the headline I would have liked to read.
At the moment it's Iguanagate - What the hell does that mean?
If you can't think of a good headline, employ somebody to do it. If you already do employ somebody to come up with these things, they are not doing their job very well.
But please, I don't want to hear another gate until I am entering the pearly ones. Until then please let the gates rest in peace.
It all started in the early 70s in Washington DC at a place called the Watergate Hotel. (by the way, for all you trivia contestants the DC stands for District of Columbia) Ten percent of all trivia nights ask this question. Anyway back to the Watergate Hotel. It's a really nice place but a little bit snooty. Snooty to me is having to pay for somebody to carry your bags. I managed to scam a free night there a couple of years back, but being Australian, resented having to give up my hard earned for somebody to carry my undies and show me how to open a door.
But I digress. I have no journalistic background but realise that a journalist must have resticted time between getting the story and getting the story in print or on air. Finding all the facts, every last details, all of the nitty gritty behind a story must really be a tough gig.
What really annoys me is the total lack of imagination that the media have in coming up with a name for a scandal. Are we the public so stupid that we can't focus our attention unless the scandal has a name?
Watergate. That was a big scandal. Big repercussions. Careers ruined. It was named after the place where the scandal occurred, the Watergate Hotel. A real no brainer, but it worked.
So why has every scandal ever since have to had the suffix "gate" added to the end of it? Really, what does Nannygate, Sirengate, Spygate, Nipplegate, Grannygate or the latest Iguanagate have in common with a gate? Nothing. Whether it's the journalist or some other idiot coming up with the headlines, you all need to take a good look at yourselves. Whacking a "gate" on the end of another word or place just doesn't cut it with me anymore. Use you but please, no more gates.
What would happen if there were a scandal pertaining to Bill Gates? Would you call it Bill Gatesgate? I hope not but fear that this would be the case.
It's time for us all to take a stand. A bit of creativity is all that I am asking for.
We all remember seeing Justin Timberlake ripping off Janet Jackson's outfit and revealing a breast. Nipplegate. That's all that they could come up with. Give me a break. What about "rip a nip"? That's the headline I would have liked to read.
At the moment it's Iguanagate - What the hell does that mean?
If you can't think of a good headline, employ somebody to do it. If you already do employ somebody to come up with these things, they are not doing their job very well.
But please, I don't want to hear another gate until I am entering the pearly ones. Until then please let the gates rest in peace.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Lots of days in a row
We dropped Annette off at some antique store (not the most economically sensible thing we've done) and went for a long drive to nowhere and back. When we got there we ate at Burger King and that was it. We drove back, picked up Annette and then went to mini golf. Mark once again won with Riley collapsing on the last 9 to come last. Little brother could now taunt.
Next day - Hooray only 371 miles to Disneyland. Jeremy decided that today was the day that he would need to use a restroom 3 minutes after we had passed one.In case anybody reading this actually thinks we needed a rest you are incorrect. I believe that in the land down under we call them toilets. At one of the stops there were vending machines everywhere.The one we went to was showing $2 credit. Annette pushed a button and biscuits dropped down and a $1 note came out. Wow ,thats better than we did in Vegas. We finally stumbled on our motel, unpacked and headed out to find Anaheim Stadium for the nights baseball match. We got our usual junk food, took our seats in our brand new Angels hats and proceeded to watch the home team get smashed. We also witnessed why Americans are so fat. Non stop eating for the entire game. We somehow navigated our way home and got given the news that tomorrow we could sleep in. Thats all for now as this keyboard at LaX sucks and we are running out of time. Bye
Next day - Hooray only 371 miles to Disneyland. Jeremy decided that today was the day that he would need to use a restroom 3 minutes after we had passed one.In case anybody reading this actually thinks we needed a rest you are incorrect. I believe that in the land down under we call them toilets. At one of the stops there were vending machines everywhere.The one we went to was showing $2 credit. Annette pushed a button and biscuits dropped down and a $1 note came out. Wow ,thats better than we did in Vegas. We finally stumbled on our motel, unpacked and headed out to find Anaheim Stadium for the nights baseball match. We got our usual junk food, took our seats in our brand new Angels hats and proceeded to watch the home team get smashed. We also witnessed why Americans are so fat. Non stop eating for the entire game. We somehow navigated our way home and got given the news that tomorrow we could sleep in. Thats all for now as this keyboard at LaX sucks and we are running out of time. Bye
Monday, April 28, 2008
NFL Draft Day
Send more money! Riley was given a day off with a motel room to himself, the NFL draft on TV and a fridge full of pizza leftover from last night's food fest he got to stay in the room while we went out at 9.30 for a trip to a factory outlet. Maybe it's the warm desert air or the fact the we are just idiots. but our credit card took some big punishment today. We went in at 10.30, came up for air at 2.30 and then headed back home. They we took a detour, looking for a shop, found a golf shop and one golf club later, Mark was happy as a Riley with a pizza made from chocolate. We searched for some material shops but they were either not there or the wrong sort of material. We got back around 5.30 and went out for our evening pig out, which was finished off by a visit to an ice cream shop. Oh, did I tell you that I ate chocolate for lunch. In the words of Jeremy my innie is turning to an outie. The motel does have a gym so we rode some bikes, lifted weights and went for a swim in the heated pool. I am now lying on bed and shaking with extreme pain.
A Really Big Ditch
A not too early start, frosted flakes for breakfast (things are really going downhill) and we went exploring the Grand Canyon. We walked, looked, drove, walked, looked until we ran out of Canyon and then the navigator pointed us in some direction and that's where we went. Mountains covered with snow paled in siginificance to the beauty of the Grand Canyon (that was a beautiful sentence wasn't it?). Off to Scottsdale we drove, arriving around 5pm. We then headed off to possibly the greatest restaurant in the world, Oregano's, with pizza as big as really big pizza. Or maybe as big as the Grand Canyon (see how I linked the two). Huge soda and a giant pizza cookie with 3 scoops of ice cream. Jeremy, Mark and Annette shared 1 dessert and Riley had 1 to himself. We don't think he will ever be able to face chocolate again. How will we finish the night? Ah, never ending sport on TV.
Leaving Las Vegas
Did you know that in AC/DC's Highway to Hell, the last words Bon Scott says are Nanoo Nanoo. That is according to the radio DJ. That really confused us. Anyway, up early and off to where else but the All You Can Eat breakfast buffet. Well, being in a casino I saw their all you can eat buffet and raised them a "I can eat twice as much as all you can eat buffet". I won.
We then headed off on our next all day drive with a quick stop at Hoover Dam. Then with about an 1/8th of a tank we hit the road. As everybody fell asleep, I found out that a little light on the dashboard says Low Fuel. Picture yourself on a dark desert highway with cool wind in your hair. Oh sorry I just drifted off on another tangent. Anyway the highway was long, we had a long way to go but we made it with only fumes left in the tank. We drove and drove and drove etc. until we got to our cabins in the Grand Canyon National Park. We unloaded, washed 4 pairs of undies (it's been a long time since the last laundry) and headed for the Canyon. Another walk it seemed. And then from the distance comes a free shuttle bus and drops us exactly at the canyon. We looked around, took photos and looked like your typical tourist family. As the sun set, the wind picked up and it was freezing. Luckily most of the male members of the family have inbuilt air conditioning in their pants to keep them warm. Off to dinner and we all only had single servings before heading back on a dark road to our cabins. This was when tragedy struck. The TV wouldn't work. The cable is out! No basketball playoffs and we would have to communicate with each other. It looks like I drew the short straw. Jeremy and his hammer-like elbow are in my bed tonight. Riley is going to sleep in a bed. Most nights he grabs some quilts and sleeps on the floor. He says he likes it but who knows. PS. He has finished his science assignment. Bad news - now we get to start Geography. It's about the Georges River. We may just substitute the Colorado River for Geroges from our brochures and take a chance. I really miss TV.
We then headed off on our next all day drive with a quick stop at Hoover Dam. Then with about an 1/8th of a tank we hit the road. As everybody fell asleep, I found out that a little light on the dashboard says Low Fuel. Picture yourself on a dark desert highway with cool wind in your hair. Oh sorry I just drifted off on another tangent. Anyway the highway was long, we had a long way to go but we made it with only fumes left in the tank. We drove and drove and drove etc. until we got to our cabins in the Grand Canyon National Park. We unloaded, washed 4 pairs of undies (it's been a long time since the last laundry) and headed for the Canyon. Another walk it seemed. And then from the distance comes a free shuttle bus and drops us exactly at the canyon. We looked around, took photos and looked like your typical tourist family. As the sun set, the wind picked up and it was freezing. Luckily most of the male members of the family have inbuilt air conditioning in their pants to keep them warm. Off to dinner and we all only had single servings before heading back on a dark road to our cabins. This was when tragedy struck. The TV wouldn't work. The cable is out! No basketball playoffs and we would have to communicate with each other. It looks like I drew the short straw. Jeremy and his hammer-like elbow are in my bed tonight. Riley is going to sleep in a bed. Most nights he grabs some quilts and sleeps on the floor. He says he likes it but who knows. PS. He has finished his science assignment. Bad news - now we get to start Geography. It's about the Georges River. We may just substitute the Colorado River for Geroges from our brochures and take a chance. I really miss TV.
Just Drive She Said
What turned out to be the longest drive ever started at 8am and wend on and on. 550 miles is a long way. We stopped for greasy KFC (that would come back to haunt) and then went slightly berserk at a Reebok Outlet 40 miles from Las Vegas. In Vegas we went searching for a chocolate factory, nearly ran out of gas (petrol we might call it) in a monster traffic jam, went searching for a cheap buffet dinner (the further we walked the more expensive they got) and eventually ate dinner at 10pm. Riley was real impressed. We got to sleep after midnight (if we had turned into pumpkins it would have been the first vegetable we had seen in weeks) and - you guessed it - had another early morning start. Out at 8am and straight into a Vegas traffic jam, we headed for Death Valley. We had hoped to do it yesterday but the roads were dangerous and closed. We entered Death Valley at 74 degrees and it go up to 93 degrees. Those older generation reading this will understand these figures. It's a very strange place, with salt flats , and rock formations similar to the moon. Oh didn't I tell you, the navigator has me driving so many miles that yesterday we actually did drive past the moon on the way to Vegas. We got back around 5pm and headed to the Adventure Dome but didn't go on any rides. From there I have just four words. All You Can Eat Buffet. Oh the pain. Those big fat Americans have nothing on a ravenous Krause family. Pity the poor people who got in our way on the way to the dessert bar. As we read on the side of the road, "Dessert is not a treat, it's a necessity". Speaking of chocolate, did you know that the energy in one piece of chocolate is the equivalent of the energy it takes to eat another piece. Annette has been eating so much chocolate that she has decided to go on the twelve steps programme. She is now never more than 12 steps from a piece of chocolate. Later we went to the casino and Jeremy wasted money in the kiddies gambling arera (he won a mini pillow) while the grown ups put a whole dollar in the slots. As usual I am now writing this at 11pm while watching sport on tv. Right now Jeremy is standing in the middle of the room, dancing and singing Waterloo. Oh I forgot that we (without Riley) saw a circus show with 2 jugglers. What made it interesting is that they juggled themselves.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Blog no 5
(look below for blogs added in quick succession). Today was a big day for the boys as we were set free and let wander on our own. Annette headed off to an art exhibition, Annie Liebovitz. Jeremy tells me this which automatically qualifies him for a $2 fine. We looked for some sports shop, never found it and bought chocolates to ease our depression. The afternoon came and we all hopped on a bus and went to the Golden Gate bridge. Its actual colour is International Orange but that just wouldn't fit into any of the songs about San Francisco. We went back to the cable cars and caught it to the end of the line and back. An early morning bus the next day to the Hertz rent a car office and Mark hit the streets of San Francisco (a Quinn Martin production). Back to our motel, packed the car (it's a Chevy HHR, similar to a PT Cruiser - type that into Google). Getting out of San Francisco was an experience - I think we ran only one red light on the way to the Bay Bridge where we started our long trip to Yosemite National park. When we got there, we then hit the windey roads with sheer death defying drops at the side. Some of the roads were closed but we pushed on to see "nature" all over the place. Riley loves looking at nature. This took the rest of the day. We couldn't do some of the walks (yay!) and mountain lions had been seen in the area. Anyway we got back, stuffed ourselves stupid for dinner and prepared for yet another early morning start.
The Golden Gate
We landed in San Francisco, grabbed our ever-growing luggage and waddled into the first taxi we could find. In a prelude to Disneyland, the driver proceeded to put his foot down and sometimes stay in the same lane. We checked into the Super 8 and then couldn't get to sleep because our body clocks are wrong again. Woke up at 8.30 and headed off to a day of walking up and down giant hills, giant stair and giant shopping centres. We visited Union Square, Chinatown, Little Italy and walked up Lombard St (the really crooked one) and then visited Coit Tower (insert your own anal humour here). After a very late dinner we got back around 11pm and did what any traveller would do - put on Sports Center. It's Saturday and yet another early morning wake up call. A quick bowl of Fruit Loops and it was off to the bus to Pier 39 where we joined the boat to Alcatraz. Alcatraz was great. We then explored Pier 39 which has tons of food shops, especially of the chocolate variety. I bought the 49ers jacket that I didn't 17 years ago. It's made of pig suede, in my current form Jeremy reckons that when I wear it I will make the complete pig. I guess when you look at today's lunch (peanut butter chocolate cups) he isn't far off. On the . On the way out Jeremy shouted, "there's Tommy Lee!". For some reason, this is not the first time this holiday that he has said this. On this occasion he was right. For those of you not familiar with Tommy Lee, type in tattoos, rock star, Pamela Anderson and even Tommy Lee into Google. We were close enough that he could spit on us. That's how we know, because he did spit on us. Back home for a quick nap and then out to dinner, which the kids enjoyed - the firsts just keep happening. The dinner was at Mona Lisa (Italian restaurant, including pizza) and still nice after 17 years.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Did you miss us?
I hate my body clock. Today (after the 4th night) with the alarm set for 6.30am I woke up at 6.17am. Aaargh! That's my Sydney wake up time. Quick to dress, a few pieces of toast and it was off to the airport for our flight back to Oahu. Before we left, me and Riley (me is Mark by the way) decided we would check on the age-old question of which way the water goes down the sink in the northern hemisphere. We just couldn't remember what the outcome of that Simpsons episode was. Anyway we wanted to check if it was clockwise or anti-clockwise. We turned on the tap, watched the water and then realised that we had a problem. Our room only had a digital clock - we'll try again later. A quick 40 minute flight was followed by around 3 and a half hours waiting for our flight to San Francisco. Everybody is almost 100% with Annette almost there. We sent you blog no 2 and then went hunting for food. Annette had the big salad, Mark spicy chicken (I'm putting my stomach through a test drive) and the evil 2 had Burger King. I'm a little worried about Riley as he may be pregnant as he's eating for 2. Writing this we are 36,000 feet in the air, playing gameboys, reading about which golf clubs to waste my money on and watching the movie. Wait a minute, the headphones cost $5.00 and I'm sure this wasn't an approved budgetary item. Oh well, I guess for all the suffering she has and will put up with we can afford it. I must admit, I'm still a little confused. When we arrived they said Aloha, and when we left they said Aloha. What is it, one of those words that has two meanings or something? Anyway, Aloha, or is it Aloha? I'll let you know. More blogs on the way - we're in the most advanced country in the world and it's impossible to find Internet that works.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Report No 2 (how appropriate)
An early wake up call and it was off to our complimentary continental breakfast (one of the muffins looked at Jeremy and said "You're looking very nice today sir!". Jeremy said "what was that all about?". Well, they are complimentary muffins!) - mini muffins, toast, juice and hot chocolate. Controversy again "where are the promised donuts?" the evil two moaned. They ate toast and muffins and survived. We then headed off to the volcano National Park. There were warning signs along the way stressing the dangers of high levels of sulphur dioxide in the air. Annette couldn't see any problems after sharing a motel room with the same levels of gas for the past 3 nights. We saw, in the words of Annette, lots of lava stuff, steam vents and other volcanic stuff. Much to Riley 's joy we went on numerous nature walks. We spent around 4 hours in the park before driving about 40 miles (divide by 8 and multiply by 5, or the other way around for kilometres) to the place where the lava flow meets the ocean. I have just been informed that we also walked through a lava tube. Some stupid American woman wearing thongs (signs are all over the place warning that shoes should always be worn) jumped up in the air to get her picture taken, landed and fell in a puddle.
Mark is just starting to look at food again, Annette can't, Jeremy will eat when you tell him to and Riley, as usual, wants to know what's for dinner at 9.25am.
Well that's about it for the Big Island. Keanu Reeves has just won the football match and the Dodgers are leading the Pirates 8-1 in the bottom of the 8th. After the game we're not sure whether to switch on to the curling or lacrosse channel. So many choices.
ps. back to Day 1, we caught a stretch limousine taxi from the airport - Jeremy's highlight of the holiday before today's free sample of chocolate macamadamia nuts.
Mark is just starting to look at food again, Annette can't, Jeremy will eat when you tell him to and Riley, as usual, wants to know what's for dinner at 9.25am.
Well that's about it for the Big Island. Keanu Reeves has just won the football match and the Dodgers are leading the Pirates 8-1 in the bottom of the 8th. After the game we're not sure whether to switch on to the curling or lacrosse channel. So many choices.
ps. back to Day 1, we caught a stretch limousine taxi from the airport - Jeremy's highlight of the holiday before today's free sample of chocolate macamadamia nuts.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
The Holiday begins
There were some big upsets on the Krause family tour of the USA. Jeremy started out as a clear cut favourite in "who is going to lose their temper first". Twenty minutes after check in, and the favourite came round the bend for a clear cut win. The complaint? "I don't want plain chips as they're too salty!". The second event and the daily double/trifecta competition was "Who would be sick first". After three days, this event has already been decided. Once again the favourite came home strong and in only just over an hour Riley had filled up his barf bag in what is a new family record.
Day 2 saw a second place come in with Mark coming down with some disgusting stomach bug which has shown that there are some advantages to American-style toilets. It's now 6.03pm on Day 3 and it seems that Annette is just about to come in 3rd. The first two days were spent on Oahu where we made some ridiculously long walk up the edge of a volcanic crater. In the words of Dr Smith "Oh, the pain!". Worse was yet to come - the afternoon was spent shopping. In the mall, nobody can hear you scream. More shocking events were soon to occur. Jeremy went to a smorgasbord and ate something. He isn't adopted after all!
An early morning wake up call on Day 3 and here we are on the Big Island. We ate Maccas for lunch and the good news is that it still hasn't made an encore appearance. A one hour drive on the wrong side of the road to see some waterfalls and then we checked into our accommodation. For the last 5 hours Mark has slept, and Riley has done some of his Science assignment. Two people wanted to eat and the others couldn't face food. Oh well, even in a different time zone, tomorrow is another day. Aloha everyone!
* Dr Smith's name used courtesy of Lost in Space and Billy Mumy Enterprises.
Day 2 saw a second place come in with Mark coming down with some disgusting stomach bug which has shown that there are some advantages to American-style toilets. It's now 6.03pm on Day 3 and it seems that Annette is just about to come in 3rd. The first two days were spent on Oahu where we made some ridiculously long walk up the edge of a volcanic crater. In the words of Dr Smith "Oh, the pain!". Worse was yet to come - the afternoon was spent shopping. In the mall, nobody can hear you scream. More shocking events were soon to occur. Jeremy went to a smorgasbord and ate something. He isn't adopted after all!
An early morning wake up call on Day 3 and here we are on the Big Island. We ate Maccas for lunch and the good news is that it still hasn't made an encore appearance. A one hour drive on the wrong side of the road to see some waterfalls and then we checked into our accommodation. For the last 5 hours Mark has slept, and Riley has done some of his Science assignment. Two people wanted to eat and the others couldn't face food. Oh well, even in a different time zone, tomorrow is another day. Aloha everyone!
* Dr Smith's name used courtesy of Lost in Space and Billy Mumy Enterprises.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Holiday Itinerary
This is the itinerary for our US holiday:
13 April - Fly Sydney - Honolulu
13-14 April - Honolulu, Oahu
15-16 April - Hilo, Hawaii (big island)
17-20 April - San Francisco, California
21 April - Yosemite, California
22-23 April - Las Vegas, Nevada
24 April - Grand Canyon, Arizona
25-27 April - Scottsdale, Arizona
28 April-1 May - Anaheim, California
2 May - overnight at LA
3 May - fly LA - Honolulu - Sydney
4 May - arrive home
13 April - Fly Sydney - Honolulu
13-14 April - Honolulu, Oahu
15-16 April - Hilo, Hawaii (big island)
17-20 April - San Francisco, California
21 April - Yosemite, California
22-23 April - Las Vegas, Nevada
24 April - Grand Canyon, Arizona
25-27 April - Scottsdale, Arizona
28 April-1 May - Anaheim, California
2 May - overnight at LA
3 May - fly LA - Honolulu - Sydney
4 May - arrive home
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)