Scorpio –You and your friends will be thrown out of a restaurant when the waiter asks if you would like something from their dutch oven. The table cloth will never be the same.
Libra – You decide to model your life on an elite athlete. You pick the Russian high jumping dude who got drunk, but decide not to worry about the jumping bit.
Cancer – Bad news for you when, on the same day you see a huge man dressed in black leather, wearing sunglasses and carrying a shotgun, you change your name to Sarah Connor
Capricorn – Unwanted advances for you when you walk in to a Kings Cross milk bar and ask for a Gaytime.
Virgo – Unwanted advances will occur when you walk in to a Kings Cross milk bar and ask for an Icy Pole.
Gemini – Unwanted advances for you when upon entering a Kings Cross milk bar you ask for a Paddle Pop.
Leo – Your university professor advises you that your grades would be higher if you were “more well read”. That afternoon you have your entire body tattooed with the phone book.
Taurus – You can’t think of anything to say. People world wide are rejoicing.
Aries – You go on a big night out, get drunk, meet a country girl named Elly May, but in the morning wake up next to Granny.
Pisces – Your new prime time cooking show will come to an abrupt ending when the script advises you to peel four carrots and stand in boiling water for ten minutes. Ouch.
Saggitarius – After studying Spanish for 4 years, you will fail your verbal test when the only thing that you can recite is some words from “Pretty Fly For A White Guy”
Aquarius – In the future you will get a job as an air force pilot, crash your plane, survive, but due to budgetary cutbacks end up getting partially rebuilt and known as the $2.50 man.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Monday, September 1, 2008
What is the world coming to?
So this is what the world has come to. Some idiot school has decided that they will ban children doing cartwheels in the playground in case they get injured. What are we hoping to make our next generation of children? Big wussy children I suspect.
They are probably worried that somebody will hurt a boo boo and that Mr and Mrs Kid will sue.
Kids are built to get hurt. That is why the band aid was invented.
I have decided that in the current state of affairs that I am going back to my earlier life and I am going to retrospectively sue as many people as I can think of. Where do I start?
Well Sutherland Shire Council had better be cashed up.
There was the time I fell off the slippery dip in Gymea. It seems to me that there should have been a sign saying that the slippery dip was indeed slippery.
How about the time I rode my scooter down the big hill behind my house. Not one of your modern day scooters with the mini wheels that can be folded up. This was one of your big scooters with pump up wheels. Now I can't remember clearly (probably due to the concussion) if the scooter had brakes. If it did, I either did not use them or didn't know how to use them. Anyway, I reckon that the hill was way too steep, and the fact I went all the way down at the speed of light, hit the gutter and collected somebody's letter box is just cause for a law suit. I will sue for injuries caused and my mother is sueing for the grisly task of picking road base out my my bleeding body.
Or how about the time I licked the sauce off my Stay Sharp knife. Those things are really sharp but the good news is that tongues heal really quickly. Nevertheless, these knives will have to be banned as they are an obvious hazard. I might even have to sue myself as it only happened a couple of years ago and I reckon I have enough money in the bank to make some good money out of myself.
Now the public school sector has a lot to answer for. If they would have banned that little knife I was cutting match sticks with, I never would have got that nasty scar on what has now become in the world of girls under 12s soccer as my rude finger. I am also waiting for an explanation as to why they let me field close in when Dougy Sparks was batting and copped the full brunt of the English Willow, right between my eyes. So now I want schools to ban cricket and anything involving a sharp knife.
Who else can I take to court? Well obviously the caravan park at Sussex Inlet where I fell in the water while fishing on the last days of holidays to my total embarrasement. What were they thinking when they put the park right on the edge of the water?
Back to the Sutherland Council. Now I can remember at least four times where I went off my bike, over the handle bars and landed face first on the road. Surely that could not have been my fault.
Maybe there are a few cricket coaches or associations I need to get hold of as well. The amount of times that I got hit in the head by bouncers is ridiculous. Why didn't anybody teach me how to either play the hook shot without using my head as a back stop or just taught me how to duck?
As a nation we have got to make a stand. Kids do stupid things, kids like to play and kids will always get hurt. That is a fact. We have to stop trying to protect them from every little bump and bruise that they might get. Thirty years ago, a bandage or broken arm was worn as a badge of honour. These days a kid gets hurt because a ball hits them in the face and soccer games are stopped.
It's time to toughen up Australia.
Perhaps the Moorebank Cricket Club fine of $2.00 for rubbing yourself if you get hit with a ball should be a standard practice in everyday life. You do a cartwheel, fall on your head, get up and do another one. That is what we are looking for. Let our kids play, get hurt and bounce back stonger than ever. Just remember to tell them that if they lick a Stay Sharp knife, it is likely to really hurt.
They are probably worried that somebody will hurt a boo boo and that Mr and Mrs Kid will sue.
Kids are built to get hurt. That is why the band aid was invented.
I have decided that in the current state of affairs that I am going back to my earlier life and I am going to retrospectively sue as many people as I can think of. Where do I start?
Well Sutherland Shire Council had better be cashed up.
There was the time I fell off the slippery dip in Gymea. It seems to me that there should have been a sign saying that the slippery dip was indeed slippery.
How about the time I rode my scooter down the big hill behind my house. Not one of your modern day scooters with the mini wheels that can be folded up. This was one of your big scooters with pump up wheels. Now I can't remember clearly (probably due to the concussion) if the scooter had brakes. If it did, I either did not use them or didn't know how to use them. Anyway, I reckon that the hill was way too steep, and the fact I went all the way down at the speed of light, hit the gutter and collected somebody's letter box is just cause for a law suit. I will sue for injuries caused and my mother is sueing for the grisly task of picking road base out my my bleeding body.
Or how about the time I licked the sauce off my Stay Sharp knife. Those things are really sharp but the good news is that tongues heal really quickly. Nevertheless, these knives will have to be banned as they are an obvious hazard. I might even have to sue myself as it only happened a couple of years ago and I reckon I have enough money in the bank to make some good money out of myself.
Now the public school sector has a lot to answer for. If they would have banned that little knife I was cutting match sticks with, I never would have got that nasty scar on what has now become in the world of girls under 12s soccer as my rude finger. I am also waiting for an explanation as to why they let me field close in when Dougy Sparks was batting and copped the full brunt of the English Willow, right between my eyes. So now I want schools to ban cricket and anything involving a sharp knife.
Who else can I take to court? Well obviously the caravan park at Sussex Inlet where I fell in the water while fishing on the last days of holidays to my total embarrasement. What were they thinking when they put the park right on the edge of the water?
Back to the Sutherland Council. Now I can remember at least four times where I went off my bike, over the handle bars and landed face first on the road. Surely that could not have been my fault.
Maybe there are a few cricket coaches or associations I need to get hold of as well. The amount of times that I got hit in the head by bouncers is ridiculous. Why didn't anybody teach me how to either play the hook shot without using my head as a back stop or just taught me how to duck?
As a nation we have got to make a stand. Kids do stupid things, kids like to play and kids will always get hurt. That is a fact. We have to stop trying to protect them from every little bump and bruise that they might get. Thirty years ago, a bandage or broken arm was worn as a badge of honour. These days a kid gets hurt because a ball hits them in the face and soccer games are stopped.
It's time to toughen up Australia.
Perhaps the Moorebank Cricket Club fine of $2.00 for rubbing yourself if you get hit with a ball should be a standard practice in everyday life. You do a cartwheel, fall on your head, get up and do another one. That is what we are looking for. Let our kids play, get hurt and bounce back stonger than ever. Just remember to tell them that if they lick a Stay Sharp knife, it is likely to really hurt.
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