Scorpio - Great disappointment for you when you go to Pickles Auctions but find no mini cucumbers in vinegar.
Libra - You will realise that your cochlear implant is not working too well when you purchase a holiday package you heard on the radio to a hippy retreat. You end up in an African river hoping not to get eaten by crocodiles.
Cancer - You find out that the probability of winning lotto is one in 200 million. You buy enough entries to cover this in the 250 million dollar jackpot week but do not win. Next time, try using different numbers in every square.
Capricorn - You will decide to reduce your medication after putting the hard word on Penelope Pittstop from the Wacky Races, only to have Peter Perfect knock you out. Lucky for you that your dog Mutley is there to save your life and wake you up with his annoying snigger.
Virgo - In a scene very similar to that from Spinal Tap, you will become the architect of the World's tinyest skyscraper.
Gemini - You will get drunk with your best mate and win gold for Australia in the synchronised farting contest. Lucky for you that you are dating a synchronised swimmer and have one of her nose clips handy.
Leo - Your recent steroid use will rear its ugly head when you wake up one morning with two heads.
Taurus - Next time you enter a nude piano accordian contest, remember to wax your chest. Ouch
Aries - Relations between you and your partner will be strained over the misuse of a colander.
Pisces - You discover that your new job as a taxidermist has nothing to do with your ability to drive a car.
Sagitarius - Dismay for you when the doctor who is treating you for your phobia against bad American Country type music is named Hook.
Aquarius - After watching James Bond's "Never Say Never Again", you vow to never say never again only to realise that you just broke your promise.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Sunday, August 3, 2008
This week's horoscopt
Scorpio – You will win a substantial settlement in court from Ashley and Martin after you win first prize in a Peter Garret look a like competition.
Libra – Drastic measures need to be taken when you can’t fit into your pants, your shirts are too tight and you weigh 27 kilos more than before. However changing your name to Augustus Gloop were not the measures we were thinking of.
Cancer – After prostitute after prostitute turn you down, you will finally come to the realization that you just can’t buy a trick.
Capricorn – You will go to the doctor with severe stomach cramps after hearing Crowded House sing “somewhere deep inside, something's got a hold on you”. He tells you that nothing is wrong. The next day you die of appendicitis.
Virgo – You will dream of being a daydreamer. Or in reality are you just having a daydream?
Gemini – After being impaled by a broomstick while wearing a jumper made by your best friend Ron’s mother, you almost realise your dream of having a disease named after you. Cheer up, Harry Potter's disease doesn’t sound that bad.
Leo – Your clumsiness will pay off for you when a major TV network signs you up for the World’s first reality/funniest home video combined programme
Taurus – People will start to look at you in a different way when at the local soccer club trivia night, you know all the answers to the “Home and Away” questions.
Aries – Your new heavy metal band will be fined an undisclosed amount when a jury finds you guilty by deciding that rock and roll is in fact noise pollution.
Pisces – Your attempt at suicide fails once more when you just happen to jump off a building where they are filming 101 greatest stunt men. A pile of cardboard boxes and mattresses will break your fall. Realising your stupidity and your new found will to live, you run up to the nearest bearded man and give him a big kiss. In late breaking news Chuck Norris is aquitted of the manslaughter charges.
Saggitarius – You will fantasise in a dream about Harry Potter's wife. Unfortunately it turns out to be Katrina Lee. (there is one that some of you youngsters will have to research)
Libra – Drastic measures need to be taken when you can’t fit into your pants, your shirts are too tight and you weigh 27 kilos more than before. However changing your name to Augustus Gloop were not the measures we were thinking of.
Cancer – After prostitute after prostitute turn you down, you will finally come to the realization that you just can’t buy a trick.
Capricorn – You will go to the doctor with severe stomach cramps after hearing Crowded House sing “somewhere deep inside, something's got a hold on you”. He tells you that nothing is wrong. The next day you die of appendicitis.
Virgo – You will dream of being a daydreamer. Or in reality are you just having a daydream?
Gemini – After being impaled by a broomstick while wearing a jumper made by your best friend Ron’s mother, you almost realise your dream of having a disease named after you. Cheer up, Harry Potter's disease doesn’t sound that bad.
Leo – Your clumsiness will pay off for you when a major TV network signs you up for the World’s first reality/funniest home video combined programme
Taurus – People will start to look at you in a different way when at the local soccer club trivia night, you know all the answers to the “Home and Away” questions.
Aries – Your new heavy metal band will be fined an undisclosed amount when a jury finds you guilty by deciding that rock and roll is in fact noise pollution.
Pisces – Your attempt at suicide fails once more when you just happen to jump off a building where they are filming 101 greatest stunt men. A pile of cardboard boxes and mattresses will break your fall. Realising your stupidity and your new found will to live, you run up to the nearest bearded man and give him a big kiss. In late breaking news Chuck Norris is aquitted of the manslaughter charges.
Saggitarius – You will fantasise in a dream about Harry Potter's wife. Unfortunately it turns out to be Katrina Lee. (there is one that some of you youngsters will have to research)
Friday, August 1, 2008
Desert Island Discs
So it seems that the voters have spoken and Radio Station 95.3fm has declared that Meat Loaf's Bat Out Of Hell is the number one desert island disc. Not a bad choice I guess, but is it one of the albums you want to listen to all of the time when you're on that island?
With a bit of luck, that island will be Gilligan's, so that way, The Professor will be able to come up with some way that you can play your music.
Now if you happen to land on Gilligan's Island, you would have to (for male readers only) hope that Maryanne is there. Listening to Bat Out Of Hell while eating coconut cream pie. Does it get any better than that? Probably not on a dessert island. Hey did you pick up on the way I intentionally changed the spelling of desert to dessert just for that paragraph when bringing in the coconut cream pie bit? I am really on my game today.
And what if you are a female? What could any of the Gilligan's Island men offer you? The Skipper is so dumb that he picked Gilligan as his first mate. And what about his weight problem? Surely a desert island is the perfect place to shed a few kilos.
Gilligan? He is a goose. Why he ever burnt the bush that let you read minds is beyond me.
Thurston Howell III is loaded but he is stuck with Luvvy, and the Professor is a big dork, but he does have the ability to make electricity and lots of other stuff.
Tough choice girls.
Anyway, I have seemed to get off the track a little. Desert Island Discs was the topic. I need to come up with my own top 10. This is a tough choice. Ever since the digital age hit us, how many of you have listened to an album cover to cover? Side 1 then side 2? I can't remember the last time I did.
Back in the good old days you might have had a good side 1 and bad side 2 or vice versa. CDs have taken that away. I like the snap and crackle of the old vinyls, but I suppose that the desert island might be hot and melt these(just like my Bob Dylan album was warped in the sun!!!) so I will take the cd's.
Back to the task. Without looking in my mp3 player (it's not an ipod, it's a Zune, which is much better), I am going to go inside my brain on a long journey to pick my top 10. It's sort of like a fantastic journey, and don't panic, Donald Pleasence will still get killed and Raquel Welch will still be looking hot.
In no particular order, as that would be totally foreign to my brain, here it is.
Ian Hunter by Ian Hunter. You all thought that "Once Bitten Twice Shy" was his only song, but the whole album is the same standard. By the way, did you realise that he wrote and sang the original song "Cleveland Rocks" from the Drew Carey show? I have that album too if anybody cares.
Next would have to be East by Cold Chisel. The only song I don't really like is "Choir Girl" but "Star Hotel" makes up for this. I am not ashamed to admit that I always wondered why Jimmy Barnes was smoking a Dyna Mint Cigar back in the days when Dyna Mints were bigger than tic tacs. Gee, we have all tried smoking tea bags but a cigar of Dyna Mints? It never made sense. Stupid me should have taken out the lyrics sheet and given it a good read.
Number 3 and I guess I better be one of the sheep and pick Hotel California by The Eagles, as long as I have some ear phones as "Life In The Fast Lane" is best listened to this way.
My brain is really straining and telling me that Neil Young has to be on the island. But which album? If I happened to be on the island with my accoustic guitar it would be Harvest. If I had my electric guitar(and provided the professor could hook me up with electicity and amplifiers) it would be Rust Never Sleeps. No, I have to pick Hawks and Doves. Never heard it? Go out and buy it, steal it from Lime Wire and remember that "live music is better- bumper stickers should be introduced".
Number 5. The brain is hunting through it's 70's storage facility. JPY? Christie Allen? Jimmy and the Boys? Whew, I think I must have just gone through a whole episode of Countdown, and yes Christie Allen still looks good in those skin tight shiny pants. Wait a minute, I think Billy Joel might be a contender. Gee this could be embarrassing. It is a good thing nobody reads this blog. Piano Man? A bit Pianoey. Glass Houses? I don't like side 2, or side 1, I can't remember. It has to be The Stranger and I still do wonder whatever happened to both Brenda and Eddie.
Five to go
The Sunny Boys self titled album. Happy Man is a great song but all of them stand up. "Trouble In My Brain" is one that I can relate to at the moment.
While on self titled albums, I have to take the Choirboys. They had me from the first time I saw them at the Cronulla Workers Club and pronounced to all leading into the song "bullshit" that "this song's for Malcolm Fraser because he's an arsehole". Albert studios sure pumped out some good albums and I am sorry that I can't fit Scarred For Life by Rose Tattoo in the ten.
With 3 to go, Alice Cooper is a must. "Welcome To My Nightmare", what a great album. When I was a lot younger back in the days of black and white tv, I couldn't sleep one night and turned on to see Alice doing this album. That is probably the reason for my insomnia over the past 35 years. Problem solved with no psychiatric help. Alice has not aged since this album came out. He looked like he was 70 years old then and still does. Any rock star who plays golf, can get Donnie Osmond into a song, and came out with the line "we can't even think of a word that rhymes" has to get my vote.
The final 2? I am not letting myself pick greatest hits albums otherwise Steve Miller is there.
I just have to brain storm for a moment. Rumours by Fleetwood Mac, A Night At The Opera by Queen(always listen to "Death On Two Legs" with earphones). I just don't know.
How could I forget Bruce Springsteen. I saw him live from the front row doing his accoustic stuff and I'm sure he smiled at me. Born to Run is great. Born In The USA would be great without "Dancing In The Dark". No it has to be Greetings From Asbury Park NJ. If you have ever wondered where Manfred Mann came up with "Blinded By The Light", have a listen to this one.
So who will be lucky last? Status Quo or Hush or the guy who sang the Pina Colada song? Maybe Slade with Sladest just for the great album cover. While on album covers why not Nuthin' Fancy by Lynard Skynard? Does anybody else get flashbacks to the Grey Gums Hotel when I mention that one? Probably only Chucky Poos.
We have no females in the collection and I need some relief after talking to Maryanne day after day. Carole King? Nuh. The Numbers? Maybe. Christie Allen? I am a bit worried that she keeps popping up. No, there is only one choice and that is Quatro by Suzi Quatro. I have forgiven her for breaking my heart by marrying her guitarist Len Tuckey.
That is it everyone. Let me know your top ten, but you can do it in a shorter version if you want.
With a bit of luck, that island will be Gilligan's, so that way, The Professor will be able to come up with some way that you can play your music.
Now if you happen to land on Gilligan's Island, you would have to (for male readers only) hope that Maryanne is there. Listening to Bat Out Of Hell while eating coconut cream pie. Does it get any better than that? Probably not on a dessert island. Hey did you pick up on the way I intentionally changed the spelling of desert to dessert just for that paragraph when bringing in the coconut cream pie bit? I am really on my game today.
And what if you are a female? What could any of the Gilligan's Island men offer you? The Skipper is so dumb that he picked Gilligan as his first mate. And what about his weight problem? Surely a desert island is the perfect place to shed a few kilos.
Gilligan? He is a goose. Why he ever burnt the bush that let you read minds is beyond me.
Thurston Howell III is loaded but he is stuck with Luvvy, and the Professor is a big dork, but he does have the ability to make electricity and lots of other stuff.
Tough choice girls.
Anyway, I have seemed to get off the track a little. Desert Island Discs was the topic. I need to come up with my own top 10. This is a tough choice. Ever since the digital age hit us, how many of you have listened to an album cover to cover? Side 1 then side 2? I can't remember the last time I did.
Back in the good old days you might have had a good side 1 and bad side 2 or vice versa. CDs have taken that away. I like the snap and crackle of the old vinyls, but I suppose that the desert island might be hot and melt these(just like my Bob Dylan album was warped in the sun!!!) so I will take the cd's.
Back to the task. Without looking in my mp3 player (it's not an ipod, it's a Zune, which is much better), I am going to go inside my brain on a long journey to pick my top 10. It's sort of like a fantastic journey, and don't panic, Donald Pleasence will still get killed and Raquel Welch will still be looking hot.
In no particular order, as that would be totally foreign to my brain, here it is.
Ian Hunter by Ian Hunter. You all thought that "Once Bitten Twice Shy" was his only song, but the whole album is the same standard. By the way, did you realise that he wrote and sang the original song "Cleveland Rocks" from the Drew Carey show? I have that album too if anybody cares.
Next would have to be East by Cold Chisel. The only song I don't really like is "Choir Girl" but "Star Hotel" makes up for this. I am not ashamed to admit that I always wondered why Jimmy Barnes was smoking a Dyna Mint Cigar back in the days when Dyna Mints were bigger than tic tacs. Gee, we have all tried smoking tea bags but a cigar of Dyna Mints? It never made sense. Stupid me should have taken out the lyrics sheet and given it a good read.
Number 3 and I guess I better be one of the sheep and pick Hotel California by The Eagles, as long as I have some ear phones as "Life In The Fast Lane" is best listened to this way.
My brain is really straining and telling me that Neil Young has to be on the island. But which album? If I happened to be on the island with my accoustic guitar it would be Harvest. If I had my electric guitar(and provided the professor could hook me up with electicity and amplifiers) it would be Rust Never Sleeps. No, I have to pick Hawks and Doves. Never heard it? Go out and buy it, steal it from Lime Wire and remember that "live music is better- bumper stickers should be introduced".
Number 5. The brain is hunting through it's 70's storage facility. JPY? Christie Allen? Jimmy and the Boys? Whew, I think I must have just gone through a whole episode of Countdown, and yes Christie Allen still looks good in those skin tight shiny pants. Wait a minute, I think Billy Joel might be a contender. Gee this could be embarrassing. It is a good thing nobody reads this blog. Piano Man? A bit Pianoey. Glass Houses? I don't like side 2, or side 1, I can't remember. It has to be The Stranger and I still do wonder whatever happened to both Brenda and Eddie.
Five to go
The Sunny Boys self titled album. Happy Man is a great song but all of them stand up. "Trouble In My Brain" is one that I can relate to at the moment.
While on self titled albums, I have to take the Choirboys. They had me from the first time I saw them at the Cronulla Workers Club and pronounced to all leading into the song "bullshit" that "this song's for Malcolm Fraser because he's an arsehole". Albert studios sure pumped out some good albums and I am sorry that I can't fit Scarred For Life by Rose Tattoo in the ten.
With 3 to go, Alice Cooper is a must. "Welcome To My Nightmare", what a great album. When I was a lot younger back in the days of black and white tv, I couldn't sleep one night and turned on to see Alice doing this album. That is probably the reason for my insomnia over the past 35 years. Problem solved with no psychiatric help. Alice has not aged since this album came out. He looked like he was 70 years old then and still does. Any rock star who plays golf, can get Donnie Osmond into a song, and came out with the line "we can't even think of a word that rhymes" has to get my vote.
The final 2? I am not letting myself pick greatest hits albums otherwise Steve Miller is there.
I just have to brain storm for a moment. Rumours by Fleetwood Mac, A Night At The Opera by Queen(always listen to "Death On Two Legs" with earphones). I just don't know.
How could I forget Bruce Springsteen. I saw him live from the front row doing his accoustic stuff and I'm sure he smiled at me. Born to Run is great. Born In The USA would be great without "Dancing In The Dark". No it has to be Greetings From Asbury Park NJ. If you have ever wondered where Manfred Mann came up with "Blinded By The Light", have a listen to this one.
So who will be lucky last? Status Quo or Hush or the guy who sang the Pina Colada song? Maybe Slade with Sladest just for the great album cover. While on album covers why not Nuthin' Fancy by Lynard Skynard? Does anybody else get flashbacks to the Grey Gums Hotel when I mention that one? Probably only Chucky Poos.
We have no females in the collection and I need some relief after talking to Maryanne day after day. Carole King? Nuh. The Numbers? Maybe. Christie Allen? I am a bit worried that she keeps popping up. No, there is only one choice and that is Quatro by Suzi Quatro. I have forgiven her for breaking my heart by marrying her guitarist Len Tuckey.
That is it everyone. Let me know your top ten, but you can do it in a shorter version if you want.
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