Country of Origin

So the smog Olympics are nearly upon us. What I want to see this year is not which countries have won the most medals, but which countries gave birth to the most medal winners. Somehow I get the feeling that there would be two different tallies. Whatever happened to being born in one country and representing it. Now you only have to live somewhere for a couple of years and all of a sudden you can represent them.

It's a bit like Queensland claiming Greg Inglis or New South Wales saying that Ken Nagas was ours. Let's face it, at times half of the English cricket team comes from South Africa or Australia. Yeah I know that Andrew Simons was born in England so maybe that is who he should be playing for if it goes on your place of birth.

There are circumstances where children move to another country when they are quite young but at present, countries like the great USA bring teenagers into their college system and then treat them as their own. That is just not good enough.

I know that I couldn't care less how Tatiana went when she competed for us in the Olympics. I don't call Russell Crowe or Split Enz Australian and I would like to see a truly representative State of Origin which stands for what it says. I don't want situations where people can pick and choose who they play for depending on parents or grandparents or who they scored their first junior try for.

I want the Country of Origin Olympics. I want the State of Origin to relate to your birth certificate. Come on Australia let's get our teams to be totally home grown.

Baby on Board

I'm not sure whether it's a good thing or a bad thing, but eldest son is starting to think like me. Driving him home from soccer last weekend he asked me a question. He wanted to know what the point of those "baby on board" signs that people put in their cars. I had to be honest. I didn't know.

We came up with a few theories. Maybe when you're driving down the street and see a car that has "baby on board" proudly displayed, you then make a conscious decision not to have a collision with this car. You don't want to hurt the baby. Does seeing the sign preclude you from entering into a road rage situation with the other vehicle in case the baby on board starts to cry? I just don't know.

My only theory is that it has something to do with letting people know that you won't be driving very fast. If that is the case, you should not be shifting blame on to the baby. You need to have a "timid parent on board" sign on your rear window.

And what about the cars driving around with a "baby on board" sign when there is quite clearly no baby in the car. Should you be fined for a misrepresetation of baby on board felony?

In our household this has confused us no end. I blame it for last term's suspect maths report card. My son is obviously pondering the sign when he should be concentrating on cosines.

If somebody out there knows the meaning, please let me know.

PS. Any answers relating to Homer Simpson and his barber shop quartet with their hit single "baby on board" will be disregarded.

Pilgrim's progress

Be warned Australia. The pilgrims are on the loose. They have congregated in Sydney and are now travelling out into the great unknown. The funny thing is that they seem to have left their brains behind. I would have thought that all that tuna they were feeding you would have made you a bit smarter. 590 of the religious red and yellow backpackers turned up today at Central Station wanting to catch a train to Brisbane. Guess what guys, the train doesn't carry that many people. In my experience, people travelling for major events in other countries should do one thing before they leave. Plan your trip. Come on guys, don't lob over here and think that everything will turn out ok.

During the Olympics, fans were trying to get to Brisbane from Sydney for a 730 pm soccer match. Only problem was that it was 4pm in the afternoon. Please please plan your trip in advance.

The best one of all time was the American lady who travelled half way around the world to see the total eclipse a few years back. She turns up at Central Station and asks for a ticket to Lyndhurst. She is sold a ticket to Lyndhurst. She gets to Lyndhurst and wonders where all the other eclipse loving people are. Well they are all in Lyndhurst, South Australia. She is in Lyndhurst New South Wales.

Please plan your trips in advance otherwise I will be forced to mock you in front of the World, or at least my tiny section of the World who are reading this.

Soccer Sickies

This is the scenario. Two soccer players go into a harmless tackle, one runs away with the ball and the other is a little bit hurt so does not get up. Cries from the sideline and all over the field. "kick the ball out". The ball is kicked out and five seconds later the player gets up and walks off the injury. No harm done. The ball is given back to the team that had the ball and everybody on the field and in the crowd claps. Personally I would like to throw up.

I mentioned this to somebody the other day and they questioned my sportsmanship. I fully understand that with children playing that some action does need to be taken. What needs to happen is for the referee to blow his whistle immediately that he thinks somebody is injured and needs attention. Then we could have a good old fashioned drop ball where players from each team contest the ball.

What we have at the moment is a plague. Professional footballers rolling around the ground in pain when there is nothing wrong with them. Why? To stop play and get their team organised again.

There needs to be some reward in the game for the player who can win a fair challenge and play on. Why should the other player have the game stopped just to accommodate them? How about this? If you go down injured and need assistance, you are not allowed back on the field for another five minutes. I will call it "duty of care". We need to really assess if you are indeed injured or fit to continue the game. I guarantee that players will then be getting up instead of seeking sympathy from all around.

What I say to all you players out there is that if you get injured in a tackle and its not too bad, try to get up and see if you can play on. Isn't this better than waiting for a medically unqualified volunteer coach or manager with a bottle of luke warm water running on the field to ask you how it is? Come on Australia, we used to be tough. Lets not follow the ways of the rest of the soccer world.

And on that injury point, some of you tennis players out there need to toughen up a bit as well. The amount of times that you call an injury time out is shocking. If some physio can fix up your injury with a bit of a massage in ten minutes, then you are not injured. You are just wasting everybody's time and probably using the break for your own advantage. If you can't play on, you forfeit, and please, don't get me started on toilet breaks.

Girly By Name, Girly By Nature

Sandy Lyle used to be able to play golf. He won the British Open in 1985.

Yesterday after the poor dear had to endure rain and wind, he walked off the course at the 11th hole on a score of 10 over par.

You big wimp. You say that you are getting ready for the seniors tour. Well let me say this you big woosie man (not to be confused with Ian Woosnam who had too many clubs in his bag and had no choice but to leave the course in the Open a few years back) you should be banned from golf forever.

Years back I was playing golf in a competition and our group came to the last hole. It was around 200 metres straight up a hill. My 80 year old playing partner asked me if I would be able to pull his buggy up the hill for him. No problem I replied. He hit it straight up the hill while I sliced so far that I could have hit the ball half way around a greyhound track. While I went off in search of the ball, my playing partner ended up taking his own buggy up the hill. He didn't complain, took triple bogey and looked forward to his next round of golf.

Former champion Ian Baker Finch realised that he can no longer play golf at a respectable level and so called it a day. Smart move. He didn't want to embarrass himself anymore. All of us weekend hackers have been 10 over par after 11 holes. We all finish the game. While there is a chance that something good could happen, we keep going.

But you Sandy Lyle decided that it was too hard and wet and cold. You quit and that's what you should do with your golf game if you haven't got the guts to see out a round of golf. I am sure the first reserve for the tournament must have been thrilled, watching on television while you exited the course.

I hope the senior tour tells you where to stick your sand wedge.

Horoscopes you need to Know

Scorpio - Bad news awaits as you will be trampled to death by Pilgrims rushing to see the Pope. On a positive side of things, at least there are plenty of priests around to give you your last rites.

Libra - You will be chosen as Tom Cruise's double in his upcoming action film. You will play his horrifyingly disfigured double after he falls from a helicopter into a vat of hydrochloric acid. Producers advise that you will not need any make up.

Capricorn - You will discover that the word "oops" is not one that you like to hear during open heart surgery.

Libra - Once again you will be mistaken for the Pope. I have told you a thousand times, grow some hair and ditch the Muu Muu.

Virgo - After 20 years of dismissing your neighbours advice that your front door is always wide open, you look down and quickly zip up your fly. That afternoon you return to find that your house has been burgled. Apparently the thieves walked in through the front door.

Gemini - You will be seriously injured when a herd of wild horses runs you over at a zebra crossing.

Leo - At an old antique shop, you rub an old lamp and a senile genie comes out. You are granted 3 wishes. You wish for a healthy long life, happiness and a peaceful death. Seconds after your most untimely death, the genie asks "now what were those first 2 wishes again"?

Taurus - After 20 years of mystery, torment and pain, all is healed when you discover that there were 2 Darrens in Bewitched.

Aries - A little bird tells you of impending trouble. Lucky your name is Doolittle.

Pisces - Wanting to impress your new girlfriend who belongs to the World Wildlife Fund, you put up a huge "free willy" sign on the front of your house. You are shocked the next morning to find 30 old men in raincoats standing on your front lawn.

Saggitarius - Your theory that we are all part of a giant computer programme is confirmed when the world's largest floppy disc gets rammed up your clacker.

Aquarius - After watching re runs of "back to the future", you invent a time machine and go forward in time so that you can gamble on sport results when you get back. Unfortunately, your actions in the future cause a problem with the time space continuum, and when you return, you have already died.

If you can't stand the heat, don't go near our kitchen

I am not ashamed to say that I work for ######rp. What I am ashamed of is to tell you my name.

Ever wondered why the trains seem to run late all the time, even though they now stop for extra minutes in the middle of nowhere in order to not run late (figure that one out).

You see the people that run the organisation have made a request of me.

I am not to leave my locker key in my locker as it is dangerous. To who, how or why this is dangerous I still can't figure out.

They have put a sticker on the toaster and kettle in the kitchen telling me that "surfaces may be hot".

When I was a small child, I remember putting my foot into a hot frypan (don't ask). In the following forty years I have never done it again. I have cooked toast in a toaster. I know that it is hot because when it comes out of the toaster it is no longer bread. I can feel the heat.

WhatR###rp should be doing is putting up signs "if you can't stand the heat, don't go anywhere near our kitchen because you might burn your boo boos on something that could be hot".

By the age of six, I am sure that all children have been reminded thousands of times not to put knives in power points, to be careful of the heater, to sip your hot drink before sculling it all. That is what parents are for.

That guy in the USA who sued because he burnt himself with coffee should himself be fined. If you are stupid enough to not know that a microwave over heats things up and stays a bit hot after use, then you probably don't know how to use the controls anyway. If you are stupid enough to somehow hurt yourself on my locker key, you should be immediately sacked.

Come on Australia, let's demand a right to hurt ourselves without being forewarned. Let us learn from our experiences, not from a sticker telling us what our experience might be.

Real Golf

Gee Tiger Woods, you must be doing it tough this week. Sitting at home with your bung knee up, watching while someone else is going to win the British Open.

Gee I have a lot of sympathy for you. We have heard all about the wife and the kid and the money but I don't care. What really gets to me is the way you would wince in pain with that extremely painful knee while winning the US Open. Then you say that you have been in pain for the last ten years.

Do you hear the violins playing? Welcome to my world Tiger. A world where just getting out of bed and walking down the stairs every morning wakes up the house with the noise coming out of my joints. I play golf too, albeit about 20 shots a round worse than you. Ever been up before it's light in the middle of winter, pulling your own buggy around while you zig zag across the fairway. Of course you haven't. That is what Steve is for. Ever tried to hit your first shot of the day without a warmup over the water on my local golf course? Probably not. You get picked up in a Buick hours before you play and are taken to the designated warmup area. There you find a neat pile of Nikes ready to hit into the distance. You don't even have to go and collect them afterwards.

Real golf is about finding a smaller golf ball in your bag of practice balls. Mine is a Slazenger. How many years out of date is it?

Ever had to play a game of golf with 3 other guys and be the designated seeing-eye golfer. You see most of the guys at my golf club are getting on and lose the ball after the first 20 metres. None of us can afford the laser surgery that allows you to see an undulation on a green from 200 metres.

Tiger, you are good, you know you're good and so does everybody, so just get on with winning every time you play but please leave the theatrics out, no matter how much it hurts. Please just spare a thought for all of us limping around the course with bad knees, backs and whatever you can throw at us, carrying our own equipment, forgetting to pack an umbrella and getting excited when we find somebody else's Nike golf ball that they lost in the water of the first hole. To all of those club golfers out there I have one thing to say "for those about to golf - we salute you".

How Football Was Meant to be Watched

I first went to the then Olympic Stadium at Homebush to watch a centenary match of Rugby Union between the Wallabies and England. I won the tickets in a competition and ended up sitting in what can only be described as the "reverse nose bleed seats". It could be described as the worst seat in the house. They couldn't give a ticket away to sit there, except to some poor fool who spent 55 cents in a phone competition.

A few years later I took the kids to a semi final to watch the beloved Sharkies go around. The seats were a bit better but they were in the 20/20 section. If you didn't have 20/20 vision you could not see the game.

All around the world , the stadiums are getting bigger, the fans are getting further away from the game and your average obese bum just doesn't fit in those plastic fold up seats.

It got me thinking about the good old days as a youngster where every second Sunday was spent at Seymour Shaw Park Miranda to watch all three grades of the Sutherland soccer team. Bench seats on one side, a small hill at either end and a bench seat grandstand on the other side. The crowds were never really what you could call huge but the place did have atmosphere.

My father took me to watch my then beloved Newtown play against St George at Kogarah Jubilee Oval and also the mighty Blue Bags whallop Parramatta at Henson Park. This is how footy should be watched. Atmosphere and a grassed area. I have sat with grass underneath me at the SCG. It too has now turned into a vast area of plastic bucket seats. Watching a game in such a place just isn't as good as it used to be.

I haven't been to Leichhardt Oval but everytime I see a game there on television the place seems to be alive. The heads of all the sporting codes keep telling teams what the public want. Well I'm the public and you haven't asked me yet.

"ANY GROUND THAT IS CALLED AN OVAL OR A PARK HAS A GOOD CHANCE OF BEING MY TYPE OF LOCATION"

I need some toilet paper available in case I need to go ( but this is only at half time as I am at the game to watch the match). I want a kiosk, not a restaurant or some fancy specialist eatery. The kiosk is to be run by a local group of women and men with all of the profits going to the club. I don't want to spend $20 on some gourmet style sandwich. I just want a pie or a sausage roll or a bucket of chips, maybe a chocolate heart or a golden gaytime (am I still allowed to say that). If I get change for my $10 I will be happy.

Most of all I want the opportunity to sit on grass if I want or to get a splinter in the grandstand while telling the ref he's an idiot without getting thrown out of the ground. You see I am an Australian and it is my God given right to watch a game that is not in some mega stadium. Any ground that is called an Oval or a Park has a good chance of being my type of location. Put on the word "stadium" and my interest wanes.

Have the big wigs out there ever wondered why you can jam pack 17000 into Leichhardt Oval while a similar match at The Olympic Stadium, sorry, Telstra Stadium, woops, ANZ Stadium fails to register on the Richter Scale.

Come on Australia let's get smaller, let's get back to the suburbs and let's enjoy the games like they were meant to be enjoyed.

Iguanagate

As a person with average intelligence, depending on who you ask, it is time for me to proclaim to the world that "enough is enough".

It all started in the early 70s in Washington DC at a place called the Watergate Hotel. (by the way, for all you trivia contestants the DC stands for District of Columbia) Ten percent of all trivia nights ask this question. Anyway back to the Watergate Hotel. It's a really nice place but a little bit snooty. Snooty to me is having to pay for somebody to carry your bags. I managed to scam a free night there a couple of years back, but being Australian, resented having to give up my hard earned for somebody to carry my undies and show me how to open a door.

But I digress. I have no journalistic background but realise that a journalist must have resticted time between getting the story and getting the story in print or on air. Finding all the facts, every last details, all of the nitty gritty behind a story must really be a tough gig.

What really annoys me is the total lack of imagination that the media have in coming up with a name for a scandal. Are we the public so stupid that we can't focus our attention unless the scandal has a name?

Watergate. That was a big scandal. Big repercussions. Careers ruined. It was named after the place where the scandal occurred, the Watergate Hotel. A real no brainer, but it worked.

So why has every scandal ever since have to had the suffix "gate" added to the end of it? Really, what does Nannygate, Sirengate, Spygate, Nipplegate, Grannygate or the latest Iguanagate have in common with a gate? Nothing. Whether it's the journalist or some other idiot coming up with the headlines, you all need to take a good look at yourselves. Whacking a "gate" on the end of another word or place just doesn't cut it with me anymore. Use you but please, no more gates.

What would happen if there were a scandal pertaining to Bill Gates? Would you call it Bill Gatesgate? I hope not but fear that this would be the case.

It's time for us all to take a stand. A bit of creativity is all that I am asking for.

We all remember seeing Justin Timberlake ripping off Janet Jackson's outfit and revealing a breast. Nipplegate. That's all that they could come up with. Give me a break. What about "rip a nip"? That's the headline I would have liked to read.

At the moment it's Iguanagate - What the hell does that mean?

If you can't think of a good headline, employ somebody to do it. If you already do employ somebody to come up with these things, they are not doing their job very well.

But please, I don't want to hear another gate until I am entering the pearly ones. Until then please let the gates rest in peace.